Cat Rules

[Trab]

Rules for Cats to Live By

BATHROOMS:

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to

do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on

hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not

necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,

stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly

important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage

in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.

When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as

long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity

and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"

otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.

You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being

stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,

unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to

obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but

every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,

keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.

When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity

proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of

your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,

and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to

jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across

keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap

across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the

human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms,

in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help

their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX:

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box

as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.

Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This

will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have

run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you

with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around,

and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.

And don't forget guests.

[DesDownunder]

Trab, that is so true!

[Tanuki Racoon]

This is misfiled under "Laughs" but it should be filed under "Universal Truths"

Will the moderators please correct this ;)

[Cole Parker]

Rules for Cats to Live By

BATHROOMS:

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to

do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on

hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not

necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,

stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly

important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage

in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.

When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as

long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity

and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"

otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.

You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being

stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,

unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to

obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but

every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,

keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.

When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity

proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of

your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,

and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to

jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across

keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap

across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the

human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms,

in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help

their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX:

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box

as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.

Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This

will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have

run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you

with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around,

and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.

And don't forget guests.

Recently, Des told us all we were able to usurp, hijack, pilfer and conjoin any other writer's work and label it as creative stimulus, thus absolving ourselve of all liability.

I've decided to practice this invidious behavior on this wonderful, comical and entirely enchanting piece of Trab's.

With the greatest, and fondest, apologies to my buddy Bart:

Rules for Cats, among the Evilest and Most Sinister of Creatures, to Live By

BATHROOMS:

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to

do anything. Just sit and stare. When you see someone on the toilet

straining, jump into their laps.

DOORS:

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on

hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not

necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,

stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly

important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Bide

your time. When your human comes to close the door, step into the doorway

and look up at him and meow plaintively. When he reaches down to pick you

up, step outside. When he closes the door, scratch on it immediately. Especially

if the frame was recently painted.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage

in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.

When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as

long as a humans bare foot. Try not to throw up until you've eaten

something especially foul and have not entirely digested it yet. Small birds and

repuslive lizards work well for this.

HAMPERING:

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity

and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"

otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.

You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being

stepped on and then picked up and comforted. Try to be tripped over

rather than stepped on as the former hurts the human, the latter, you. If

the human cracks his head against the edge of the kitchen table on his way

down, your work is done for the day, and you should sit next to your human

licking yourself while 911 is being dialed and sirens can be heard.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,

unless you can lie across the book itself. When lying across the book, allow

one leg to droop over in the the lap of the human. Occasionally practice unsheathing

a claw and sticking in into the inside of an uppper thigh, and then purr.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to

obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but

every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. When the human is

about finished and signing a document, wait until he's just about done, then

playfully bite his fingers, making his signature unreadable and unacceptable.

Most points are achieved if he has to do the document over again.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,

keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.

When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity

proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of

your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,

and erasers off the table, one at a time. Hiss if reprimanded.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to

jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. You will be picked up

and set on the floor. Climb to the back of his chair, shreading the upholstry

if possible. When his attention is entirely on the paper, leap directly into in.

Extra points are scored if you can tear a cat-sized hole in the middle of the

paper.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across

keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap

across arms, hampering typing in progress. If he wriggles a bit, trying to

reposition you to make typing possible, sink your claws into whatever flesh

is closest, hang on, and don't allow the screams and rude language distract you.

WALKING:

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the

human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms,

in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help

their coordination skills. Stopping quickly in front of them for no reason

is very effective and commendable.

BEDTIME:

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. At odd and

unpredicable times during the night, screaching loudly and then pretending to be

asleep is great fun.

LITTER BOX:

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box

as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. Keep

the smelly stuff above the litter and uncovered.

HIDING:

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.

Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This

will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have

run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you

with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. If your human is

especially panicky, stay lost for more than a day. Eat well the day before

you do this.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around,

and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.

And don't forget guests. Pay close attention to those that announce they

are allergic.

You may have problem remembering all this. If you do, don't fret. All you have

to do is invite a neighborhood Siamese over for the day and pay close attention

to how he behaves. Siamese know all this stuff instinctively, and can probably

help you with secret stuff humans haven't even thought of yet.

Good catting.

C

[Trab]

Awesome. People are SURE to love cats now.

[The Pecman]

My partner and I have two psychotic psiamese, and they exhibit every one of these traits. Very nasty, hostile cats. We've had some very affectionate Siamese over the years, but not these two.

One's mean and evil, through and through, and the other is as stupid as the day is long, really brain-damaged and skittish. The latter is one I call the "Chinatown Cat," because his brother is his father, if you catch my drift. Ewwwwww....

[DesDownunder]

Recently, Des told us all we were able to usurp, hijack, pilfer and conjoin any other writer's work and label it as creative stimulus, thus absolving ourselve of all liability.

C

I don't think that is quite what I said.

I certainly do not have imperial or congressional permission to veto the current copyright laws.

I would however be in the vangaurd of any cause that promotes creative freedom.

Nice cat work.

We had a cat who ran, yes I said ran, lickety split to the toilet when a guest went to use it.

The puss would wait until the guest was comfortable and then dive between their leg and poke its head into their crotch to inspect the days catch in the toilet bowl.

We lost a lot of visitors. True friends however thought it was hysterical.

I also had a cat who would smack my hand quite sharply, if I moved the mouse too much.

[Cole Parker]

I don't think that is quite what I said.

Well, no, it wasn't. Not quite.

And in the final analysis, I wasn't able to summon the hubris necesary to bring it off. I folded under the pressure and got Trab's permission before posting the thing.

I liked the sentiment that if we were motivated by someone's writing, we should be free to develop our idea, but innately still felt awkward with the fact, and the limits posed by fair play.

C

[DesDownunder]

Well, no, it wasn't. Not quite.

And in the final analysis, I wasn't able to summon the hubris necesary to bring it off. I folded under the pressure and got Trab's permission before posting the thing.

I liked the sentiment that if we were motivated by someone's writing, we should be free to develop our idea, but innately still felt awkward with the fact, and the limits posed by fair play.

C

I have no problem with, and indeed admire anyone concerned with, fair play.

The fact is that the present copyright restrictions are concerned with limiting inspiration for the sake not of the creator but for the owner of a work who doesn't care at all about fair play. There is nothing new in this except for the amount of time and degree that such restrictions are imposed on future generations of artists.

Believe me, the studios and publishing houses that own a creative work will not hesitate to stop anyone developing from a work to which hold ownership and will continue to own ad infinitum.

Such copyright laws limit future creativity based on the work of previous generations of artists.

This is compounded by the various new technologies that enable manipulation of previous work into some new art-form, or new artistic expression.

It would be like the owner of a Leonardo d Vinci painting being able to stop anyone from using a camera to shoot portraits because he owned the Mona Lisa.

As for being motivated by someone's writing, we all are anyway.

It is the deliberate stealing of someone else's work and claiming it as your own that is wrong.

However being influenced by that work to create your own is entirely another matter, or should be.

[Paco]

Some cats are better on computers than people.

[JamesSavik]

[Lugnutz]

Cats rule, dogs drool. Although I had a cat that drooled.

[Paco]

Sorry!

[Cole Parker]

I was a teenager once myself. I think I was. It was a while ago. But I remember laughing uproariously at things adults were shaking their heads about. It's part of a teenagers life, being irreverent and scatological and rebellious and a lot of other things adults get piqued about.

I certainly accept your apology.

C

[JamesSavik]

I'm a geezer but still like fart jokes.

[The Pecman]

[Lugnutz]

Busted.

[The Pecman]

[Lugnutz]

[JamesSavik]

OK... I'll try a little more artsy.

[Lugnutz]

[Lugnutz]

[The Pecman]

[Paco]

Always looking for a free lunch!

[Cole Parker]

I love it. Reminds me of someone I know.

C