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A Christmas Poem

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-- A Christmas Poem --


“Dad, here’s my list: Christmas draws near.

It shows what presents I’d treasure this year.

Things I want most are up at the top

But the first one’s enough if you don’t want to shop.”


“Give it here, Bobby, and I’ll read it right now.

My money’s quite short, and I’m not a cash cow.




“OK, I’ve read it, and it is not good

Please pay attention, and heed if you would.


“I’ve read the first entry, here’s what you chose—

Though it’s really quite silly, here’s how it goes:

‘All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.’

Do you see my problem, son? See my beef?


“The trouble, my boy, is not that you stammer

The trouble instead is your execrable grammar.

You must match your nouns to go with your verbs!

I find reading this list both irks and disturbs.


“As ‘two teeth’ now stands at the top of your list

Then ‘is’ should be ‘are’ so the list’s not dismissed.

And Santa, I’ve heard, is quite the fine linguist

And his sense of propriety is aptly distinguished.


“So write this again if you hope for some presents

From Santa or anyone—even your parents.”


~ Pause for consideration, and then ~


“I hear you, Dad, your voice is quite strong,

Unfortunately, though, your logic is wrong.

But I hear what you’re saying, I certainly get it

Though your flimsy excuse does not do you credit.


“You’re making things up to save spending cash

And destroying our grammar to maintain your stash.

You’re saying I need a more appropriate verb

To match up with the noun; you’re really absurd.

You wanted a plural verb, ‘cause two’s more than one

And so no presents there’ll be, not any, just none.


“Fie,” I say, “and pshaw, and, “oh my.”

How deceitful can one be should he but try?

But I can see through you—your argument’s specious

You’re pretending and faking and grossly capricious


"Because I know as well as you do

That you’re reasoning is simply abject hoodoo.


“I gave you a list of presents I’d like

And put atop it two teeth, then a bike.

But you didn’t want to spend that much dough

Yet needed a way too soften the blow.


"But honesty needs to be sung in this case

And yours is absurd and totally base.


“And so, dear Father, here is my brief:

The noun in that sentence was ‘ I’, not ‘teeth’

Because ‘What I want is’ beats ‘What I want are’

Your excuse is nonsense and frankly bizarre.


“The list stands as written; again please eyeball it

And if you need help to open your wallet

I’ll be happy to bring you a prying crowbar

Oh, and I’ll take the bike, too, hearty har har har har.



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This is brilliant. Clever Cole!

I'm reminded of a comedy single from the 1960's, sung by British comedienne and actress Dora Bryan. Here's a verse from it:

All I want for Christmas is a Beatle.
Not a teddy bear, just a Beatle.
I told mum nothing else would do.
There are four, so she can have one too.
I don't care which ever one she gets me.
Ringo, Paul, John, George, they're all the same.
I can't wait for Christmas day to come
'Cause all I want for Christmas is a Beatle.
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  • 11 months later...

Bout time, Cole, for more Christmas verse,
Get out your dictionary and begin to curse
For nothing’s so hard as finding new rhymes
To words like Rudolph and holiday pines.

We’re counting on you for seasonal gaff
So we can seize a rare chance to laugh
And have fun with your insightful lines
Amid the chaos of these perilous times.


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Not my fault: James asked for it!



Don’t know much about Christmas cheer

Though it should flourish this time of year

Yet with Trump looming, thoughts of Rudolph

Lower one’s spirits: the man’s a jackoff.


So rhyming and versing and singing and such

Just don’t thrill me this year all that much

I’m feeling more Scrooge than Pollyanna

And like staying in bed all day in a pajama.


But James wants wit and humoresque

Bawdy hi-jinks and broad burlesque

Not sad and endless woe and gloom

Lightness and mirth should fill the room


So up with the tree, ornaments and tinsel

And boxes wrapped giftily and full of toys

And perhaps a wandering G&S minstrel

Wassail and chorus, and yes! Here come the boys!

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