Christmas Gifts for Men

[TalonRider]

Posted 03 December 2006 - 02:32 PM

Christmas is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life!
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his ear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Vikings game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

[Lugnutz]

I have 5 cordless drills.

[DesDownunder]

I have 3 cordless drills; one of them even works.

[Lugnutz]

Mine work but some not so well.

[Rutabaga]

I have three Bosch 18-volt cordless units that I use regularly and work very well: A regular cordless drill, a cordless hammer-drill, and a cordless impact wrench. I confess that tools (of all kinds) and stuff to go with playing the bass guitar are my two biggest weaknesses.

Oh, and I have two chain saws -- a small one and a regular-size one. Both are electric because I hate keeping two-cycle engines running properly.

R

[Cole Parker]

I only have two electric drills. I must be a piker.

C

[DesDownunder]

I only have two electric drills. I must be a piker.

C

I thought you were a Parker.

[Merkin]

Heard that Cole was spotted carrying one of his drills into the public restroom at the mall. Turns out he's a Peeker.

[Cole Parker]

Better than a pecker picker.

C

[Steven Adamson]

Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.

Clearly, someone's been taking notes on my sex fantasies again.

[TalonRider]

Clearly, someone's been taking notes on my sex fantasies again.

Nothing like a good Christmas morning laugh.

[colinian]

Rule #12: Tickets to a Vikings game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." everyone knows why.

A Vikings game? The Raiders, certainly. The 49er's, maybe. But never a Vikings game.

Colin

[Guest Dabeagle]

A Raider game? Why, who are they playing?

[colinian]

Denver Broncos. Today, Sunday December 28 at 1:25 p.m.

Being an Oakland Raiders fan is like being a Chicago Cubs fan.

Colin

[TalonRider]

My choice of games at 1:00 pm today is San Diego at Kansas City or the Eagles at the Giants.

[Cole Parker]

Denver Broncos. Today, Sunday December 28 at 1:25 p.m.

Being an Oakland Raiders fan is like being a Chicago Cubs fan.

Colin

Both had their glory days. Unfortunately, those were before you were born!

C

[Guest Dabeagle]

And my Chargers let me down again. I feel like the bad news bears shouting, 'Wait'll next year!'.

On the bright side, my Padres look to make things interesting next year. Here's hoping.

[Cole Parker]

Sad to get beaten by a rookie QB. My Browns got beaten with a rookie QB. Far, far less shame in that.

C

[Guest Dabeagle]

He's not a rookie, he's their back up. He did what he was supposed to do and not turn it over.

[Cole Parker]

Ours was a rookie. And like most rookies, unable to handle the speed of an NFL defense.

C

[TalonRider]

Once again the Eagles blew their changes of getting into the playoffs. This happened when Dallas came to town and beat them. What I thought was ridiculous was that the fans focused on the fact that NJ Governor Chris Christie was sitting with the Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones in the visiting owners box.

Since Jersey doesn't have a pro football team of their own, he should support the Eagles.

I myself, I'm a Colts fan living in Eagles territory.

[Guest Dabeagle]

If I were the Eagles I'd be pissed a sub.500 team is hosting a playoff game.

[Lugnutz]

When did this go from discussing cordless drills to football?

[DesDownunder]

When did this go from discussing cordless drills to football?

About the same time everyone turned straight and began talking about sport.

[Cole Parker]

I have a very gay old time talking about sport. But not Australian rules football. That concept, like Rugby and Cricket, is beyond my ken.

C