Sanataria Springs - by Dabeagle

[dude]

Wow!

[Cole Parker]

Wonderful story, great characters, but mostly, just very fine writing. Shows what a little inspiration from an outside source can lead to.

C

[Gee Whillickers]

Just a great story with superb characters and character development. Excellent work!

Well done Dabeagle. (As opposed to medium-rare Dabeagles.)

[Camy]

A terrific story with a well drawn group of characters. Hats are doffed.

[Chris James]

Very well done...jockalicious! (If that isn't a word it ought to be) DaBeagle Rules!

[vwl]

Picture perfect.

[Lugnutz]

I think Beagle created a new benchmark for himself. Every time I think he outdid himself, he does it again.

This is another must read.

[eric312]

I loved this story! As an accomplished, and recognized smart-ass, I just have to say, Beagle got that part of the story perfect! This story made my night!

[Rigel]

Great story, which is good, because I'll be thinking about it every time I pass the Sanitaria Springs exit on the highway (or use the shortcut that takes me right through Sanitaria Springs).

--Rigel

[Guest Dabeagle]

Thanks to all with your kind comments, I'm glad it was so well received. Rigel: That's where I got the name from, running down 88 :-)

[Madrigal]

Wow, what a great story! :) I'm gonna smile for a while now. Thanks!

[The Pecman]

Hey, don't make me work for it! Post a link!

http://awesomedude.c...ria_springs.htm

Nicely done, and I would've read it even without Zac Efron! (Though that didn't hurt.) My only critique -- and it wouldn't be a review from me without one -- is, I would spell "nub" as "noob," because otherwise it looks like a different word. "Noobie" or "newbie" works.

I also expected more of a twist on the sender of the text messages. I have an idea on who it could've been, but I think it was too on-the-nose for me. I would've preferred being surprised. But, having said that... it's the best short story I've read all year.

[Guest Dabeagle]

Not Zac Efron. His name is Alex Watson, brother of Emma Watson of Hermione fame.

[Lugnutz]

Captian Caaaaaaavemaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! Still gets me

[colinian]

Excellent story.

Colin

[Camy]

I would spell "nub" as "noob," because otherwise it looks like a different word. "Noobie" or "newbie" works.

Yeah, but 'nub' is not noob. 'nub' is an acronym. It stands for 'non-useful body' - as is explained by Bobby.

[Lugnutz]

He's only Bobby to family. It's either Cap or Captian Crunch.

[Guest Dabeagle]

I think Pecman edited his post cause I didn't see a lot of that stuff there before - and Lug, Camy you guys get gold stars for the day for being so studious, or should that be gold paws?

[Lugnutz]

I award you with the Golden Fire Hydrant award because I can.

[The Pecman]

I think Pecman edited his post cause I didn't see a lot of that stuff there before...

No, that was one draft, shot from the hip in one take as far as I know. I might have posted the first sentence, then run back and finished the story, and written the rest about 10 minutes later. Swear to god.

Very, very nice story. I always say, the highest compliment I can pay another writer is to say, "I thought about the story for days afterward, and wondered what the characters might do later on and where they would go." I could easily see this becoming a novel, and I really, really liked the dialog, characters, and setting. Dabeagle's inside look on that world, and all the little subtle details -- like how the shoulder pads feel, the specific exercise drills, and the look of the locker, and so on -- added a lot to the feel of it. And I liked the self-awareness of the character, being sarcastic and playful even in the face of real danger.

My only other little nitpick is a modern one: I think if there were a 2012 case where a football player was beaten with a leather belt by other players, to the point where he was bleeding, there'd be police involved, personal injury lawsuits, civil suits, headlines, coaches fired, school officials disciplined, kids going to jail... a slew of complications. It's almost impossible to stop this kind of thing nowadays; the kid's parents would probably get $5 million as a settlement from the school. I think this aspect of the story could work, say, in the 1980s, but not today. Things are messy in schools these days.

[Guest Dabeagle]

Maybe I saw the post in that ten minute window. I'm very humbled, thank you for the feedback - it's always appreciated.

As far as the nitpick - yeah, I can see what you're saying there. My thinking was that, except for the end, the faculty/adults didn't know and Alec got a nose bleed or two, so his parents may not have seen blood. In reality, it would have made the news and rightly so as no one deserves that - although sometimes these things can go on for years without surfacing.

Thank you everyone for the comments.

[The Pecman]

I think this story point could be fixed two ways: 1) have a short scene -- maybe just three or four sentences -- where the coach talks to the lead character and explains the problem and asks him to keep this problem under wraps, because if it became public, the principal could shut down the whole team [which has happened at other schools before]; or 2) have it take place in the 1980s, before this kind of thing would spiral out of control and involve police, lawsuits, and publicity. Either would solve the problem.

Do consider using this as a springboard for future stories. I like both characters, especially since they both come from completely different backgrounds, completely different physical types, and have very different interests (photography vs. football). I like that "yin and yang" aspect of it, sort of an opposites attract thing.

[Nick Deverill]

Story gets a thumbs up from here. Dabeagle gets a rare honour, I've just read the story for a second time in a couple of days. And that is my mark of a good tale, does it stand a second read in a short space of time? Plot and characterisations both need to be good to get this.

:applause[1]: :applause[1]:

[Lugnutz]

[Guest Dabeagle]

Do consider using this as a springboard for future stories. I like both characters, especially since they both come from completely different backgrounds, completely different physical types, and have very different interests (photography vs. football). I like that "yin and yang" aspect of it, sort of an opposites attract thing.

While I agree about the potential disconnect concerning if this were happening today, I think that in small towns (maybe in HS Football crazy towns) something like this could happen and get hushed. While it may be a stretch, I don't think it's worth rewriting so I won't address that part here.

Concerning the possibility of a serial or novel - Alec is a challenging character to keep up with. I love him, he's one of my favorite characters in all the ones that I've had hit the screen; but I don't think I could keep him going like that for a whole novel. What I may do is periodically write 'associated stories' where we get interactions with one more more of these characters without it being a true sequel. Personally I only had two reservations about this story. One was that I was afraid Alec would come off sounding 'queeny'. It wasn't how I pictured him, but I felt that some of his dialogue could be interpreted that way. I was also concerned that Sasha wasn't strong enough a character and that the reader either wouldn't see why Alec wanted to know him better or couldn't connect with him because he wasn't 'there' enough.

Nice find Luggie, that was exactly who I had in mind with that reference.