Retirement

[Cole Parker]

This is for Mr. Merkin. I'm sure he can relate.

After I retired, my partner insisted that I accompany him on his trips to Target.

Unfortunately, I find shopping boring and am an in and get out shopper. Equally unfortunate, my lover is like a lot of women shoppers -- he loves to browse.

Yesterday the dear fellow received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mr. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your friend has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against him, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, 'Pick ME! Pick ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 22: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[Camy]

As an in and out shopper myself, it seems to be an eminently sensible way to spice up a boring shopping trip.

[Merkin]

I am not an in and out shopper. I figure if I am going to have to use up gasoline to get to the mall, then I will make a day of it. My time in Target and other fine stores is well spent compared to this lunacy of Cole's. I usually take an hour or so to straighten the merchandise--shoppers do tend to create such disarray. The bulk of my time, however, is spent telling children not to run or shout, and instructing young parents on the behavioral principles that have guided my generation so effectively.

Merkin

[Camy]

I am not an in and out shopper. I figure if I am going to have to use up gasoline to get to the mall, then I will make a day of it. My time in Target and other fine stores is well spent compared to this lunacy of Cole's. I usually take an hour or so to straighten the merchandise--shoppers do tend to create such disarray. The bulk of my time, however, is spent telling children not to run or shout, and instructing young parents on the behavioral principles that have guided my generation so effectively.

Merkin

Yes, as ever so slightly misguided Mr. Bowie says: I've been putting out fire with gasoline. And, while waiting for the big red engines to arrive and deal with his conflagration he shops, too. I especially like the teacherly element you introduce, James. Do you cover buttling as well as deportment and etiquette?

[colinian]

Some of those are hilarious, especially #16.

I suggest thaat next time change the font color to white. Black on dark gray is hard to read without selecting the text so it shows as white on a blue background.

Colin

[Cole Parker]

Some of those are hilarious, especially #16.

I suggest thaat next time change the font color to white. Black on dark gray is hard to read without selecting the text so it shows as white on a blue background.

Colin

Fixed it. I have no idea why it was like that. The source I copied it from must have had formatting I wasn't aware of. Shows I should have looked at it after posting it.

I agree. Many of them are hilarious.

C

[Merkin]

...Do you cover buttling as well as deportment and etiquette?

Er, is 'buttling' another of those weird British spellings for some sort of interpersonal activity? Whatever it is, we don't do it here.

[Lugnutz]

I did everything on the list and then some. I guess they blamed someone else for those.

[Cole Parker]

Hey, Lug, I should have explained. That wasn't a to do list.

C

[Lugnutz]

It was more like a done list.

[The Pecman]

That's a typical day for me. I wear a shirt like this and walk around Walmart, then snarl at people and tell them to shut up and go to Target when they approach me:

[JamesSavik]

There's a kid (twenty-something) working at my local Target. The first time I saw him, I thought Santa had lost an elf.

I could tell that he was family and am nice to him whenever I'm in the store. I think he likes me because I'm probably the only old geez that hasn't hit on him.

The spirit is willing but my heart would probably explode.

[TracyMN]

I love Target!

[Merkin]

There's a kid (twenty-something) working at my local Target. The first time I saw him, I thought Santa had lost an elf.

I could tell that he was family and am nice to him whenever I'm in the store. I think he likes me because I'm probably the only old geez that hasn't hit on him.

The spirit is willing but my heart would probably explode.

James's dilemma reminds me of this one:

Mirror Image

by Merkin

Who is this stranger in my bathroom mirror?

The ghost of an ancestor? If only he were clearer...

Where are my specs? Damned things are never there,

Wait--they rest above, perched in my hair.

What hair? Don't mock my shining pate,

Premature loss has always been my fate,

And hair's not the only thing to disappear:

I haven't had my manhood up at all this year,

Although I'd never know, below this gut,

When conditions might be ready for a rut.

Thank goodness, I've been spared the chance

For medical emergency, should I attempt that dance!

Yet I surely grudge the possibility I'd meet

A cute responder, who'd sweep me off my feet.

Come to think, I'd no doubt be splayed already:

Even at the best of times I'm none too steady,

And such an opportunity to spread my bony knees

Would be lost, in circumstances sure to seize

This worn heart, which thank goodness still provides

That essential spark, and keeps my hopes alive.

[Cole Parker]

Lovely, James.

C

[Camy]

A wonderful Poem, James.