TracyMN

p.s. My dearest D.R., you are of course, the exception. xxoo Tracy

I gotta get here earlier, my heads all a-jumble , where to start...where to start... Oh, first things first, why didn't I thik of that? Hello everyone If I am understanding this correctly (never a sure thing, I assure you) I have to ask how they go about assessing first of all, who is gay; is this a self-disclosure thing and once disclosed, will carry with it the assumption that if you live with another self-disclosed gay man that you are in a relationship with him? And how would that bring about the outing of them to their relatives? As for the reduction of the pension, is this reduction imposed on married couples because with the assumption that pooled resources in effect mean sharing of some items and therefore reduce expenses? With the rather risky assumption that I am getting it right, it seems likely to me that we would in fact be talking about de facto relationships a high percentage of the time. What am I not getting that makes this soundly objectionable. Whatever clarity I thought I had flies out the window....are we talking about the number of bedrooms in the residence? That I could see as a potential for being outed, and it seems to be a reverse of the American position where recognition of the validity of the partnership is a key point of the struggle. The protection of privacy is not a part of the discussions I have been a party to. I am interested in what it is about the ways we are governed that creates this difference. Minnesota recognizes domestic partnerships in regards to health insurance, and reflects the liberal political climate of the people here and one supportive of tolerance in general. We still have Pro-lifers, with their posters of dead babies and their 3 year olds spouting rhetoric they can't possibly comprehend following women from their car to the clinic door, but they are a small group who enjoy the benefit, mistakenly if you ask me, of the tolerance just mentioned. My personal conviction is that the rights covered in Pecmans list should be extended to everyone who self-define themselves as partners. To have to conform their definition to something that historically has defined itself in limited terms and requires a redefinition is unnecessary to the attainment of the goals, and allows a large and vocal opposition to what is in essence, none of their concern. Parties seeking legal remedy present their case to those who have been given the power to decide these matters for the population, and these things play out every day without any effect on the lives and liberty of anyone else. I would prefer that this admirable fight produce fruit that is all it's own, defining itself on its own terms, for the beautiful thing that it is--the evolution of us all and the expansion of our collective consciousness. The thing that is represented by marriage as we know it has proven itself to be incapable of living up to it's expressed ideals, and doomed by it's own hidden agenda. Bullshit and illusion might get them to the alter, but illusion disolves under close scrutiny, and bullshit soon stinks to high heaven. This reduces the issue to semantics. If there's another way to say it that preserves the essence and increases the chance of success, screw semantics, it's only a word after all. Leave the hair-splitting to the republicans, it's time to claim our destiny. Where's the front of this fight anyway? Let's grab our friends and head over there. Tracy

Boxer briefs are the greatest invention of the 21st Century. If I had to pick between a boy with a computer, and a boy wearing boxer briefs, you guessed it--boxer brief boy. I was going to say "nice of you to include a choice for girls (panties), but having Nightie as the only choice resembling a top might not get much play with girls here" Until I went to type this, that is, and realized that DUH, those choices were not there with girls in mind at all!! Did you even know there were girls here? Don't even think i'm asking if you care, either. While that is most likely true about tight briefs and sperm count, as someone who has counting those single-minded slam-dancing little buggers written into their job description, I assure you that for the purposes of 99.9% of your "big happy family", the loss of a few hundred thousand per cubic mm would not register on any radar. I'd save the 2 seconds you might want to spend thinking about sperm count for the pH factor, and you could combine it with the 5 you spend already marvelling about the effect of what you eat. I usually wear a t-shirt that I've had too long to wear in public, or sometimes the one I wore to work that day, 'cuz I don't get dirty and my sweat doesn't stink. It's true, ask anybody, and I know, I know, i'm so lucky. Long live BBB's. Tracy

I do very much see this as a struggle for the fight to BE, as history has shown that while things get better for one group of people or another, there is still always a group taking the hit, blamed for this or that social ill, and the cause of whatever is perceived as the touble with things as they presently are. So we get "cures" for what are only the symptoms, like aspirin for a fever. Yes, it is desireable to bring down body temperature because the fever itself is a problem, but it is also the bodies way of signaling illness, and to stop looking for the source of the illness because we no longer have a fever is to court disaster down the road. We see this half-measure, too-little-too-late in the media every day, and I find the "Homeland Security" cherade to be as good an illustration as will ever get. Ignoring the ineptitude and arrogance that could have prevented at least part of 9/11, and what would, if addressed courageously and honestly, lead us to solutions that we could actually expect to provide a measure of prevention of reoccurance, what we got was a dog and pony show of solutions to problems that had little to do with any real threat and cost a bundle. I couldn't understand why the inconvenience alone didn't create a riot, since the ability to know bullshit when we hear it isn't enough to get American's out of their chair. Unless we as a society can come to a place where we see that wanting to decide what is "right" for anyone beyond our own selves is in itself tyranny, we will never rise above the level of even the most ignorant contol freak who says " in my house, you do what I say". If we could go one day without starting a sentence with the word "You", and without using the would "should", we would be halfway to the goal of freedom for all. My desire to shed the layers of my own indoctrination, not religious necessarily but not immune to that influence, or to the influence of growing up in a society where leverage is more sought after than intimacy, is kept alive only by returning to it consciously and even then I often must remind myself why it is important to me, because the idea of freedom, for all the lip-service it receives, is one that unless it is qualified and it's boundaries defined, is as likely to be met with resistance, or to be almost immediately dissmissed, as it is to find encouragement. I don't know about you folks, but in my world if I want to stretch the limits of my own thinking in the way that only be done by bouncing things off the mind of others, I've got to come here. Imagine my appreciation, and my relief, and my gratitude to what those who had a hand in my arrival. One last thing, and that is that though the ultimate goal may be global, or universal, there must be a place to start, and I can see Prop. 8 as something that can bring together a good number of people and a diversity that a less specific issue of gay rights has done previously. The movie "Milk" could not have been more timely, seems almost amazingly so to me and that could have been planned or not, I wouldn't know, but I felt a momentum around Prop.8 that was encouraging, and a chance to bring the voices we spoke of Richard, OUT, and TOGETHER, in a way that could provide an outlet for what has been eating some of us alive the past 8 years, and the diversity could provide a level of protection for those who want to be a part of change but not blow their own lives to smithereens. A pet phrase of mine has been " American's couldn't organize themselves to save their life", which was amusing until I actually realized that some organized effort might be needed and needed now, and came face to face with the fact that I did not know myself if there was any around and if there was how to find it and align myself to it. Product of environment, indeed. I have a big mouth, there should be somewhere I can use it. Tracy

I'm going to paste in an email from Rick Beck here, from a conversation this morning, with his permission of course, that says what I'd say if my thinking was linear... the "them" in the opening part is of course "us", as we were talking about writing and reading and how people think . And though the article is about condoms, and HIV/AIDS and Africa, we're talking about the the same forces at work in all of this. For anyone to remain uninformed in the midst of this information revolution we call a world, in my opinion can only be the result of unwavering diligence in the pursuit of ignorance, but that doesn't make this Pope and those like him any less dangerous in their intent to deceive the public to reach their objectives. We treat other forms of cheating as varying degrees of criminality, and I find the principle of tolerance toward religious freedom sadly misplaced and the cost to us as a society more than we should be willing to pay. The most powerful thing I can think of is our Collective Voice, if we can only come together and use it. Tracy

I remember my internship well, those six months of "practicing" what I would soon be doing for real; the chance to see if I had learned what I had paid the college to teach me before I went out, I get that, and now that I work at a teachining hospital I understand the benefits of taking on interns and having a pool of already trained personnel to fill vacancies for your trouble, but what exactly are we paying the school for when we're not there and their job is basically done? It's another of those things you shake your head, do what you gotta do, and when it's over you leave it behind for the next "that's the way we do things here", whether here is health care, education (I love Teachers), Des Moines, or King of Nonsensical practices and parent to them all, the USA.Did I say I love teachers? Oh yeah, I did, and you have my empathy and my support for what is the most important job on the planet--ask any parent.And no, not just because you keep them out of our hair for 8 hours a day...but that too.Tracy

I've been this one long enough to have links to new chapters in my inbox. There is something in the works for publishing I think, but in any case, this story posts to Dragonwriter's Insane Journal before Nifty, so i'm enclosing a link. If this happens to be a link to an earlier chapter, you'll find the others there with little trouble, if you're not me that is, in which case i'd be back asking "how to..." http://tamashitoshiro.insanejournal.com/5219.html I love these characters, and the language captivated me immediately. I am always impressed when an author is able to consistantly tell a tale in what is obviously a different "language" than their own; in this case it is of both a different time and a different place, and is done consistantly chapter after chapter. It's simply a fun and interesting read. Tracy

Haha, I don't even know why my formatting gets messed up between the time I type it and the time it posts on AD. :-) Tracy

Got my Beeps, so that answers that. Thank you. My computer didn't come with discs (someone else set it up for me, and back then I REALLY didn't know anything, so didn't even pay attention) and they suggested you make your own, which I did, but it took me two attempts, and I can't remember why except that it did not go through to completion the first time. I guess I should assume they are OK, but maybe I will try to get a set from HP and do it from them. I do wish I knew when it went from saying functional to saying no device, but when you don't know what you're dealing with it's hard to remember what you did or why you did it. That sounds so ridiculous, and to think when I was in college someone trusted me to backup their whole research study files every weekend. I must follow simple directions pretty well, it's the thinking about what and why that gets me into trouble. My logic is not like, well, anybody's. I did go to the HP site where there was a lot of talk about sound problems and solutions, none of which I could follow with any confidence. To go back to where the problem occured sounds like good advice, and I thank you for your time and attention. It will no doubt take me a bit, but you'll certainly hear about it if I get it solved--I won't be able to contain myself. Tracy

Looking like a good idea for next time! Tracy

Ok, I've been a slacker and now i'll try to keep my replies in some semblence of order. I appreciate all the response, and will even venture some hope that somebody can help the obviously helpless. :-) The aftermarket stuff is just a few games from discs, which I mentioned because I thought I would have to remember where I put them and I didn't. The green cord is plugged into the green slot. And I'm not muted, funny boy. Although, when I first did the restore, the volume icon was still in the bottom right section, but I moved last year and had not noticed that is no longer there. I may have done something that picked what's down there, if that's how they get there, or whatever, it's not there and it used to be, and was after I was missing sound, at which time I checked the volume control and mute box. When I went to control panel and sound devices in the past, or where ever someone may have told me to look, I always found it to say everything was functional. Today, when I followed the instructions to cp, sound devices, on the opening tab which is volume, it says "no sound device". On the audio tab, where it says playback, recording etc, it says no default devices. My daughter used to live with me, and when she left I made her remove her zillion files of downloaded music, and maybe whatever she used to do that with, like Limewire or whatever. It does appear like maybe I lost something somewhere and compounded the problem since it used to say things were functional. If you're still with me, I promise to be diligent in keeping up with your posts. I am not, and would not want to appear, ungrateful. How I missed the notifications is anyone's guess. Tracy

Another new site for me, whoohoo! Hello, and thank you, Steven! Tracy

First of all, I hope i'm in the right place with an appropriate question. I have a HP desktop that is about 4 years old. I had a crash a while back, and after doing a system recovery, everything came back (including things I had installed after market which I understood would not happen) except my sound. It is impotant to realize you are dealing here with, um, a computer idiot, and all I can say is my sound used to come out of speakers on my monitor, and though I have heard of drivers and sound cards, I don't know what I have. If it helps, my model number is HP Pavillion a335w Desktop PC. I have browsed the forum of HP users, and asked my question there, but got no reply, and my browsing only produced a lot of new terms I didn't understand, though I did discover that there are MANY sound problems with HP products of all kinds. Of course, any help will be greatly appreciated, and laughing is allowed. Tracy

There is something about analogy that lends itself well to the experience of human emotion, and to the human mind in it's attempt to recreate the feeings with word pictures. Yours is a fine example of just that, Richard, and as your wall went up, my heart sank, my hope faded, and the feeling of being cut off from the world and self was vividly real and frighteningly claustrophobic. And in the sudden influx of light, I found myself taking a deep breath. Nice work, Richard. Thank you for your effort. Tracy

You are incorrigible, Cole! And doing a fine job of it i'd say. With family here, Richard, you perhaps have a place to visit, in the summer of course! I hear so many writers here express the desire to make the world a more welcoming place for our children, where instead of spending years trying to come to terms with themselves and the world they live in, they can move into adulthood to realize the potential that exists in all of us. It's impossible to imagine what the world would be like if that were the norm; a world where diverse ideas and infinite creativity reigned would certainly look much different than the one we look out on today. I thank you all, for my child, and for everyone's children, and my every hope is that you succeed, for undoubtedly, what helps one gay child, helps all gay children, and what helps them, helps the whole world in the process. For my part, I am much like Paul, believing that prejudice of any kind only futhers prejudice, and I fight it where I see it, in myself as well as my environment. In myself, I find I must peel it off, layer after layer, and I honestly have yet to reach the bottom of it. On days when I'm tempted to think life is long, I need only remind myself how much work there is to do in it, and i'm soon thankful for even one more day. As an aside, this forum has given me a number of new names to use in hunting for stories, so I am off to read--that is, after all, what I do. Tracy

I just read your story a couple days ago, James, in fact, stayed up all night reading it, which is an indication of it's impact on me, which was considerable, as the live of others usually are. I trust you received my comments through the provided link? I grew up in International Falls, Richard, as north in Minnesota as it gets. I have lived in a couple other states, including Florida, and I'd have to say i'll take the total number of really cold days in Minnesota over the total number of so-hot-I can't-stand-it days down there. My best memories of living in noth woods country come from my childhood, so I hope there is still a bit of that in your heart, too. I came back to Minnesota for a number of reasons, the main one being a relationship with what I now know to be a bi-polar woman who appeared to hate me more often than she loved me. That of course is another story, but I have not since been seriously tempted to move away from everything I know and everyone who knows me. And quite possibly those very folks have had cause to lament my decision, and more than once or twice. I had a restless adolescence, which somewhat solidified in my early adult years to a succession of habitual obstacles that had to be overcome, and only a decidedly persistant nature, along with an ability to avail myself of the many sources of help, both personal and professional that abound in current society, saw me through to the relative comfort I now enjoy. I have a career I pursue with enthusiasm, an absence of anything I could honestly claim to need, and more peace of mind than I ever dreamed existed. Having been a less than ideal fit almost everywhere I placed or found myself, hanging around a predominately male but infinitely interesting and creative environment seems to suit me rather well. All I know is, after stumbling in looking for answers to what I thought were simple questions, I found a world that offered more in the way of what I consider worthwhile than my world up to that time ever would. Thank you, Richard, for what is sure to be a thread that sends no one away empty handed. Inspired, if you ask me, for the opportunity for any who wish to express what they might not otherwise say, and for insight into others for which they would not otherwise ask. I'm going back for that insight right now. Haha, Cole you know i'm running for it! Tracy

I posted this response from Rick under the Redemption banner a couple days ago, but much of what I sent him actually came from here, so it seems fitting to post a duplication rather than have his thanks miss anyone...honestly, if there's a misstep to be be made, i'm going to find it. Anyway, Rick says: 'It is particularly gratifying that respected writers enjoy my efforts at expanding the conversation about what it means to be a gay man. I do my best to draw on my own experiences and knowledge of the men I've known to bring them into the discussion. The email I receive is the fuel for my work and it expands again my understanding of the complex male state of mind. We do not wear labels well and just when you think you know it all, you discover the tip of a new, previously unidentified faceted emerging from someone on the other end of an email. 'I can't ever know what it means to be a gay man. I'll continue to search and to write about people who defy labels and reject being classified as this or that. We are all from a unique past set into a unique environment and each of us compromise who we are to varying degrees. 'Being able to hear comments from inside Awesome Dude is the best thing that's come my way in ages. I work alone and the only feedback is from email. Each one is a single individual who is or is not particularly pleased with what I have to say. Writers writing is more revealing and easier to allow me to feel as though I may be accomplishing something worth the time I invest. Tracy is open and of the moment and the spirit that encompasses me. Her efforts on my behalf are life altering. Love & Peace, Rick Beck.' Tracy

I keep forgetting to remember that forums have a specified purpose, and that there may well be one for my particular comment and it is my job to put it there! That "David Nearly Thirteen" is available somewhere other than Nifty is useful info for me. I will never stop using Nifty as a source, but the ease of other sites is invaluable also. So, thanks guys, and to you Caleb, for your effort always. Tracy

It was a pleasure delivering your comments to Rick, Everyone, matched only by my pleasure in bringing this back. Rick says: 'It is particularly gratifying that respected writers enjoy my efforts at expanding the conversation about what it means to be a gay man. I do my best to draw on my own experiences and knowledge of the men I've known to bring them into the discussion. The email I receive is the fuel for my work and it expands again my understanding of the complex male state of mind. We do not wear labels well and just when you think you know it all, you discover the tip of a new, previously unidentified faceted emerging from someone on the other end of an email. 'I can't ever know what it means to be a gay man. I'll continue to search and to write about people who defy labels and reject being classified as this or that. We are all from a unique past set into a unique environment and each of us compromise who we are to varying degrees. 'Being able to hear comments from inside Awesome Dude is the best thing that's come my way in ages. I work alone and the only feedback is from email. Each one is a single individual who is or is not particularly pleased with what I have to say. Writers writing is more revealing and easier to allow me to feel as though I may be accomplishing something worth the time I invest. Tracy is open and of the moment and the spirit that encompasses me. Her efforts on my behalf are life altering. Love & Peace, Rick Beck.' Tracy

Nothing pleases me more, Caleb, than getting what I s'posed to got. Seriously, I'd say you did your job and I did mine. And the rest of you, i'm not supposed to laughing this hard at work, they'll think they're paying me too much... "...here little question mark?" hehe, but you're telling me it goes inside, right? That question within a question is just enough to throw me off. Ask Cole, he does it with his hands tied behind his back. Now, there's a picture, eh? Tracy

I like this one, and hearing that it was part of a contest entitled "Death's Day Off" has me clapping my hands for Caleb with the thought, "you got this from that?" Priceless!! I just came over from the grammar section, and i'm and I have no idea whether the questionmark goes inside or outside the quotations, haha. I ain't a writer, but I like to talk. I do believe I've been following this story on Nifty. Did I say I like this one? David portrays the balancing act of being on the end of childhood and the beginning of adolescence with all the fearless innocence of the former and the genuine ignorance of the latter. Tracy

I will most certainly do that, and thanks to all of you. This is the most fun i've had in a while, and yes, I know that is as good as an invitation for you to have some more, Cole...haha, I don't mind if the laugh is on me, as long as it's a good one. Time to do my famous copy/paste act. I've got that down to an art, and it only took me..... Best to all of you, and many thanks from Rick,

Nice to see you boys entertaining yourselves. And girls I'm not ignoring you, I just didn't see you doing the same thing here... Wasn't this about "Outside the Foul Lines"? I for one would like to see Rick back at it, and would like to send him your comments to back up my whining. Do I need permission for this? As I said under the Redemption thread, Rick has very poor eyesight, so I am his little forum scout. It's a great job, since good writers get good comments, and the criticisms on this forum are the most consistantly constructive I see. Thanks James, for starting this off, you can't be held responsible for the train when it leaves the track!

Thanks Des! Cole, that's two to your one, we win. T.