Angel by Gabriel Duncan

[dude]

This story -by Gabe's own admission- is kinda dark. At least it starts out that way. And if the first two chapters are any indication is going to defy some conventions. Very short chapters... full of action and intense emotion... Chapter 1 in the first person... then Chapter 2 starting, almost like an out of body experience in the colder third person. Then back into the present and 1st person and addressing a player in the story as if she might be reading it. Wow.

Comments?

[EleCivil]

Some intense stuff. It made my "stories to follow" list, that's for sure. I liked the way chapter two ended, cut off like that. A definite mood-enhancer.

[NeonJase]

Ele -

I would have to agree. I can't wait to see what more is in store for us. And I don't mind the darkness to the story!

US FOLKS - GET OUT AND VOTE!

Jase ;0)

[Guest rusticmonk86]

I must admit, I am not quite sure how to follow those two chapters. I had two more completed and lined up. But now I'm reconsidering their submission and have begun working on an alternate that I hope will be more satisfying, ultimately.

Dude had a play in this. :: evil grin :: So, if you don't like it, you know who to blame. He just stuck his hand inside my brain and now he's using me to write the story like his little sock puppet.

Sincerely Yours,

The Puppet formerly known as Gabriel Duncan

P.S.

It won't be much longer until we find out what happens to our main charecter once he gets to the train station.

P.P.S.

It's 11:26 Pacifc and it looks like we might actually get four more years of . . . well . . . flagrant imperilism. Pray for America. I'm moving to Canada.

[dude]

[blue]

Hey, Gabe, when I read the two chapters, I was tired and didn't catch everything.

I'd like to see you continue the story. If you're rethinking it, take the time to do that. (But hurry up, dude!)

Fine with me that there's some darkness to it and possibly some frank street life and home life will be there. I'd like to understand where ppl who go thru things like that are coming from.

I posted in another thread how I thought stories like that are needed. They can help guys and girls in the same situation or who are getting out of it. They can also help ppl like me who know a little bit, maybe from friends or reading, but no direct experience.

I'm considering volunteering some in the future, when I get myself sorted out a little more, and one of the centers here is in the heart of the gay part of the city, and among other things, serves street youth, yes, with all the attendant problems.

No, I'm not sure how I could help, but ppl keep talking to me, and I keep talking back, so there must be something to it. And yes, I'm from a big city and some things aren't totally new to me.

btw, Gabe, any advice or thoughts you have on that, I'd appreciate. This isn't something I'll do without thinking about it and getting my feet wet too. So any opinions, no sugar coating, are welcome. (You can PM, IM, or e-mail me.)

[Jamie]

I like the premise of a truly dark story. A tale that is rather hard edged with characters that are a bit less warm and fuzzy. It is sometimes interesting to see a plot line develop where not everyone gets to live ?happily ever after.?

After reading the first two chapters I found that I prefer the first half of the first chapter, and the entire second chapter. There was something about the death of the boyfriend that seemed abrupt. Not that I?m suggesting you develop ?Scott? any further I don?t think that?s necessary if the whole premise of introducing him is to help launch the story (which I think is a good idea). I guess when someone gets murdered in such a quick and brutal way my personal reaction, as a reader, is to wonder more about the murderer then his victim.

The isolation and abandonment that comes across in the second chapter is powerful and I think taping into those feelings might be interesting. One could go the easy route on this story and let him have the usual problems, then develop the usual friendships and finally end up being happy and fulfilled, but it might be more interesting to see him really go through a long and painful period where these dark feelings and utter loss, do something to his character that eventually (no matter what ultimately happens in the story ? good or bad) leads him to become transcendent to the misery he has been subjected to.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

I'm pleased to admit to you, this tradgedy continues. Chapter Three waits for Dude. It's called "What It Used to Be Like" and it introduces another family member into the picture. She's a little ray of light for those of you who wish there's still hope.

Chapter Four ("The Phone Call") and Chapter Five ("Scars") will be coming soon. If everything goes well, you'll be reading three more chapters by Friday, Dude's time. Though I may want to hold Chapter Five back to tantalize you even more.

Thanks to our Tragic Rabbit for editing the coming chapter(s). Many thanks to Dude for his continued input. And, of course, to all of you who found it necessary to share your views on my story.

--Gabriel Duncan

P.S.

Jamie, the second-half of the first chapter will be re-written sometime soon.

P.P.S.

It occured to me that Death is one of the things I write about about. More than love: Love lost.

[blue]

Sounds intriguing.

'Bout writing about ol' Death. If he starts gettin' too up close and personal, talkin' to you directly, not just a story theme, let somebody help, OK? -- Like havin' you here, Gabe. Or just knowing you're somewhere. -- But I figure you just meant as a story theme.

Love lost, well, that theme's pretty powerful.

Methinks he's playing with our emotions, that comment about ~thinking~ there's a ray of light.

-- Oh, don't mind me, I'm rambling. --

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Well . . . Chapter Four is here, finally. I hope you all enjoy it. Chapter five is not that far away.

Thanks to TragicRabbit for editing. Thanks to Dude for dealing with the business of posting. Thanks everyone for reading this far.

--Gabe

[blue]

Yay, I'll get to read it soon. Thanks, Gabe. -- Glad your pen didn't get rusty.

[Tragic Rabbit]

Well . . . Chapter Four is here, finally. I hope you all enjoy it. Chapter five is not that far away.

Thanks to TragicRabbit for editing. Thanks to Dude for dealing with the business of posting. Thanks everyone for reading this far.

--Gabe

You are a thousand times welcome, RM. [And thanks for the payback you did with my first xmas sketches.]

I like the story and the characters. What I like best, though, is your style of writing, the direct way of expression, the short and often powerful sentences. After sifting through my own overblown prose, its really refreshing. I never much liked Hemingway, never revered him the way so many English majors seemed to, but he wrote that way, powerful punches of sentences that stay in your mind.

I see you reworked the end of chapter one and the boyfriend's death. I think leaving it a little more vague adds verisimilitude and power to the narrative, we aren't quite sure what happened,just that it was bad.

Keep it going, RM!

Kisses...

TR

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Well . . . some of you may have noticed the perspective hopping in Chapter Four, The Phone Call. What did you think? Did you notice the asteriks?

What do you think of the Angel image? Good title piece?

Chapter five will be coming next week. It's called "On the Train, Again." Fitting, huh? The end will be a bit of surprise for some of you, I'm sure. I threw you all another change-up.

I'm writing chapter six right now. I don't know what it will be called, but you will get to learn more about Macy in the present (during the time that Adam is on the train.)

Anyway, I'm getting back in the groove. Hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Gabriel Duncan

P.S.

I want to write some poetry to supplement the in betweens. Or to have at the begining of each chapter. Kind of "Dune" (there were quotes in the beginning of every chapter). Or maybe, I should have them as seperate chapters in between. I know It Could Be About Heredity will be supplemental to the first chapter. And I'm Falling for the second.

What do you think?

[blue]

Poetry by you to accent your prose? Most excellent. Your poems are first rate; they can only add to the prose.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Well, when I first got the idea for Angel, I had gathered up a bunch of poems and decided to write stories from them. I came up with five different chapters, one of them being the ending-- but that's a tangent. Anyway, I was looking around my computer, and I dug up one of the poems that inspired a project that was originally called "Squat" but is now what we know today as "Angel".

Silent Love

Gabriel Duncan

I saw you last night

In my dreams

It seems that you missed me

And that you wanted to come back

I want to come back to you

But I can?t

All of the things that you do

Are the things that I hate

And I hate myself

For giving away my freedom

Of thought

Of actions

Of satisfaction

I can?t feel good

If all you care about

Is yourself

Your property

Your jewelery

And nothing else

I can?t take opression

I?ve felt it before

And last time I talked to you

I said no more

I can?t say it again

There hasn?t been any since

The day my heart left you

And my love was silenced

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Chapter Six, soon. What did you think of Chapter five?

[EleCivil]

I liked it. It took me a while to realize that it was coming from a different character's point of view. At first I was thinking it may have been a flashback, or possibly taking place in the future, and finally it all hit me at once, so I went back and re-read it with that in mind, and it made a lot more sense. As always, I liked the tone and overall "voice", and it makes me want to read more.

Oh, and I liked the poem at the beginning, too.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Chapter six this week. I've got seven and eight in the bank, too. That makes me feel really at-ease about this whole publishing process. I used to just post chapters after they were writing. Now, I've got a queue. I made a goal to always be one chapter ahead before I post the one I have.

So things are working out in the story. For now. I mean, Adam knows where he's going to stay. Even though it's temporary, it's still a place, ya know? And he's met Cole on the train. Which is an absolutely fabulous distraction.

So, your writing assignment for this week is to answer the following questions.

What do you think of the story so far? Who's your favorite charecter? What do you want to see happen in the future? What do you think will Adam when he reaches Pennsylvania? How do you think Adam's situation will resolve?

Since the chapters are so short, I can't really give you a peek of what happens next. But in chapter six, you will get a glimpse of a day in the life of Macy and Adam tries to call home.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Gabriel Duncan

[blue]

Wow, I finally read it! Two boys who need healing, and a socially conscious lawyer with her own past. Dark, straightforward, and sensitive, all at once. The parts that might be too difficult were handled discretely and matter-of-fact and honestly.

I get the feeling once Macy knows what's up, she's gonna kick butt and take names, after throwing the book at Jack. Go, Macy!

The description of Adam shutting down his memories, and of Cole's brief moment, thinking he, Cole, was so unlovable... sad and understandable.

Cole's alternatie school sounded good. I wonder how that will turn out. Now knowing that his friends also go to an alt. school, says there are opportunities for other things (social commentary maybe) in the story. Intrigued by the Native American references.

I have a feeling both Adam and Cole have quite a journey ahead before they reach that healing, but the journey may point out some things, and the destination, well worth it.

Looking forward to how the story goes on.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Wow. The story of my life. Almost literally. I haven't been writing much lately because I need to find the emotion to continue from Adam's POV. I've been getting in touch of people like Adam, Cole, Macy and I. The charecters themselves, the events and places are all based on real events. Every writer draws their experiences from life. But everyone is so mashed together in everyone else, it's hard to tell. I've been kind of genuinely depressed, too. So it's another reason I've been using not to write. But, I'm finally mashing together some notes and a few pages I wrote a while ago to finish chapter ten. (It'll be called "The Tunnel".) Then eleven will come shortly. No ETA. Just stay tuned.

Thanks for your feedback Blue. It's nice to get perspective from soemone who's read the whole thing so far.

Gabe

[Rigel]

Some stories I read for the plot, though I must say that a lot of plots are pretty similar. Gay boy thrown out of home by father who doesn't understand (always the father, mother is always sympathetic)... Seeks shelter with friend/relative... The genre has rules which are recombined in new inventive ways but are as predictable as an old Scottish ballad.

But this story--I read for the writing! When I came to Part 5 and halfway through it realized that it was from a different point of view, I backed up to the beginning of the Chapter, and re-read, but the re-reading renewed my commitment to following the tale. And now with Part 9--(how do I phrase this without introducing any spoilers?)--having it narrated from that point of view is brilliance!

Looking forward to further developments.

--Rigel

[Guest rusticmonk86]

:: beams ::

[Thirdeye]

Some stories I read for the plot, though I must say that a lot of plots are pretty similar. Gay boy thrown out of home by father who doesn't understand (always the father, mother is always sympathetic)... Seeks shelter with friend/relative... The genre has rules which are recombined in new inventive ways but are as predictable as an old Scottish ballad.

But this story--I read for the writing! When I came to Part 5 and halfway through it realized that it was from a different point of view, I backed up to the beginning of the Chapter, and re-read, but the re-reading renewed my commitment to following the tale. And now with Part 9--(how do I phrase this without introducing any spoilers?)--having it narrated from that point of view is brilliance!

Looking forward to further developments.

--Rigel

I was going to say the samething. In some stories the change in point of view can really hurt the flow, but in Angel it moves so smooth and really just adds to the plot.....I don't know if what I said makes sense so I'll agree that its very good.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

heh, i know you're only looking at chapter nine right now, and chapter 10 next week. but, if you think 9 was a change of pace, wait until chapter 11!

Let's see what I can give away . . . . :: gets insecure with his writing :: Nevermind. Nevermind. LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU WICKED SEAGULLS! GO AWAY!

:: sinks into the seclusion of his cloister of pens pads ::

I'm glad y'all like it. Just wish I got more feeback. I mean, I know this thread is popular . . . but does that mean you're actually reading the story or just reading us? what do you have to do to make a thread popular, anyay? i know questions was popular, the numbers spoke for themselves. . . . I just feel slighted by all of these marathon writers and their large . . . stories.

[blue]

Feeling a little insecure, there, Gabe? Relax, man.

Feedback less than some amount does not equal "no feedback" and it does not equal "lack of interest." It, uh, just means people haven't talked about what you'd like them to discuss.

About those other writers and their large, uh, stories? It's whether the story is satisfying, not whether it's large or small or how long it lasts. :smt081 Blue notes that this applies to many things in life, not just, uh, stories.

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I think what Gabe is saying is that he'd *really* like some feedback from everyone on what they like and dislike about Angel and how it's designed. Your comments matter to the authors and editors. So if you're a fan, not a fan, or another writer or editor, why not comment, huh?

In fact, all the authors here would really appreciate comments and suggestions regarding their stories. They, uh, want to know they're not just sitting there doing it by themselves. Hmm, although that can be nice too....

Heheheh. I'd better behave. Oh, that's right, I am behaving, just maybe being a little more cheeky or randy than y'all usually see me. Please pardon that if it weirds you out any, I'm not trying to weird anyone out. (Hey, I'm just as new at this as you. Yeah, you, sitting there worried somebody will find out you're reading stuff like this. Relax, buddy.)

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(I know that story feedback is technically more fitting for the Writers' Workshop, but I'm going to leave it here for now.)