His porn's gay

[dude]

Dear MIRIAM,

I'VE discovered my teenage son has been looking at gay porn on the internet.

His father and I are divorced and he wasn't much help when I mentioned it. He just said it won't do the boy any harm. What should I do?

Miriam says...

The truth is pornography has always been there and teenage boys have always found ways to get at it, it's just never been so easily accessible before.

These days there's no need even to leave the house to be immersed in a universe of porn of all types, and not getting caught is as easy as a click of the mouse.

All teenagers are curious about sex and he may have stumbled across gay sites by accident. Even if he didn't, looking at them doesn't make him gay.

You'll have to get used to him exploring his sexuality but he may also have too much unsupervised time alone.

Moving the computer to a family area, putting a time limit on its use and installing filtering software that blocks unsavoury content will make it harder for him.

You should talk to him about sex in the context of relationships.

[Tragic Rabbit]

You'll have to get used to him exploring his sexuality but he may also have too much unsupervised time alone.

God forbid a boy should have too much unsupervised time alone.

Incidentally, I think people can be gay, but not images.

Paranoia will destroy ya...

TR

[Res Ipsa Loquitur]

Deleted

[Anthony]

You wrote:

Moving the computer to a family area, putting a time limit on its use and installing filtering software that blocks unsavoury content will make it harder for him.

Why do you want to make it hard for him? You won't alter his sexuality and won't make friends by being difficult. Much better to let him be or talk to him about what good sexual relations are like. Removing the disapproving pressure is much more likely to elicit reasonable sensible behaviour than turning it into a battle of wills "Can I stop him" versus "Can I get round her".

Anthony

(A gay man in his 45th year of a faithful marriage.)

[blue]

Note the article was quoted or re-posted from a "Dear Miriam" column, without editorial comment, and the question and answer are therefore not from someone here.

A teen needs parents or guardians (and friends!) who will talk with him, not down to him. A teen needs the support of, "I love you, without any preconditions." A teen needs the freedom to show he can act responsibly and make good decisions, plus the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them with friendly guidance.

How is a teen going to learn, if he is too afraid of what his family or friends will think if he screws up, or if he acts in a way they don't approve?

I personally would hope that a parent would talk with their teen about loving, mutual relationships, health, and safety.

Whether that teen was looking at straight porn or gay porn isn't so much the issue: it was porn.

That doesn't say the teen himself was necessarily gay, either. Maybe he's straight and merely curious.

OK, what if he is gay? Chances are, he is worried what his parents will think, if they find out. The teen in that letter was found out. Now what? Wouldn't it be better as a parent to let him know he is still their son and still loved and wanted? Wouldn't it be better to set limits, but to let him know that he doesn't have to be scared or all alone, if he's gay? Suppose he believes that is the only way right now that he will possibly have to express his wants and needs for love -- alone, without someone to love or be loved by -- because he thinks no friend or family member would accept him or there's no one he could find who would go out with him?

The images are not the root issue. The core issue is why he feels the need to look for and look at those images. Simple curiosity: "What do gay guys do? What if I knew someone who's gay? What's it like? How does it feel?" -- All the way up through: "I wish I had someone to do things with, but there's no one I know or feel OK with, and my family/friends would freak, so...."

...So don't freak out. Let him know he has someone he can talk with, who will help him find the answers and who will love him, no matter what. ...Wouldn't you rather your son doesn't feel he has to hide his feelings and his actions? Wouldn't you rather your son didn't feel like his only outlet was alone? Wouldn't you rather you know that if he does find someone to be a boyfriend (or someday, a partner) wouldn't you rather know that person is someone you might like and love as your son's special someone?

-- This may not be the best response I've ever written, but it says a lot of the things I'd hope a parent would think about and what a teen would want his parents to think about, from a letter like the one at the start of the thread.

-- One last thought: Wouldn't it be better to be sure your son knows how you feel about homosexuality, including if HE or any friend is gay, than for him to be unsure whether you will accept him or his friends? It would sure avoid a lot of needless worrying, for him and you.

[Cole Parker]

I for one think it was beautifully written and heartfelt. Well done.

C

[JamesSavik]

The kid is having a joke on his nosy Mom.

He's really str8, he just noticed that she was nosing around his computer.

By leaving a small stash of gay porn where even his Mom could find it, she'll have something to worry about for months but doesn't dare bring up because she would have to admit to being a snoop.

[Trab]

So Dear Miriam is an actual column? Wow. I thought the Dude was just being creative.

And yes, Blue's post was very good.

[Bruin Fisher]

A great, reasoned response from Blue.

In the Miriam exchange the impression given was that porn is not a matter for concern, but being gay is - as though the mother wouldn't have written in if she'd found her son was looking at straight porn.

In my view porn is cause for concern, being gay isn't.

Incidentally, is it just me or is gay porn often less violent/abusive than straight porn - by dint of the fact that ALL participants are sex objects together, and all are perpetrators together, in contrast to the straight variety??

Sorry, that last is a bit off topic.

Bruin

[Trab]

Bruin, I am sure that one could find lots of abusive gay porn without much serious effort, but in my limited experience, I must concur that there seems to be a more abusive tendency in straight porn, always with the woman as the submissive. Maybe straight men can't get in touch with their feminine side as readily?

[Guest johnboy49]

when someone worries about their kids it is normal but when they try to guide them away from their curious endevers it might just cause them to be interested enough to experiment to see what it is all about. in orther words you have taking them from fantasy to reality. talking to them makes a good guide line and letting them fantasize will just might kept them on the path you want them to take.if they fantasize enough they either take action to see if this experience is what they want or just go on without ever acting on those fantasies.