Tragic Rabbit

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a littleperch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, Iwonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy Shit" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto yourperch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my dick around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

I hear the boys are cute there, maybe I should. I would definitely like to leave Tejas... TR

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb #$%!" HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men.. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breath." Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE. Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left." Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow stepped on her. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?Do you drive a tixi?" "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."

Wouldn't this post look prettier in the BON forums?? Kisses... TR

FOX REPORTS BAD NEWS White House Demands InvestigationIn a stunning departure from its standard operating procedure, the Fox News Channel began reporting bad news last week, startling its viewers and prompting the White House to launch a full-fledged investigation of the cable news giant. Initially, the White House elected to take a ?wait and see? attitude towards Fox?s foray into reporting bad news, hoping perhaps that the network?s decision to report stories that were unflattering to the government was merely an aberration, or perhaps the result of a clerical error. But as the days wore on, the White House grew increasingly impatient with Fox?s persistent reporting of bad news and became determined to put a stop to it. ?This is the sort of monkey business we expect to see from CNN or MSNBC, but not Fox,? a visibly agitated White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters on Monday. ?If Fox continues to report bad news, it could very well have its license revoked.? For his part, on Tuesday President Bush offered a more terse comment about Fox?s decision to report bad news: ?This will not stand. Not on my watch.? Later, Mr. Bush softened his tone somewhat, telling reporters that the White House ?must wean itself from its dependence on Fox and must develop alternative sources of news.? Rupert Murdoch, the owner of the Fox News Channel, could not be reached for comment because he was busy fighting with his relatives, a Fox spokesman said. Elsewhere, moments after Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) called for an investigation of the government?s emergency response, the White House agreed to launch an investigation of Sen. Clinton. http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt....?rec=1211&srch=

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and she walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

...and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"! The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN!" The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The Umpire called "Walk." The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Scot stood up and screamed," Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained," He can't run--he's got four balls." The Scot stood up and screamed," Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while,he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... One: The bartender is a blonde woman. Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman. Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude! Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." :walk:

Have you ever watched your beloved boyfriend sleeping? If you did, I'll bet you spent some time admiring his... (Shhh! Don't wake him!) Admit it, you've done this. Read Peter's Penis by Rick. TR

A short story. A father's anguish. A blank sheet of paper. An angry pen... Read Broken Pen, by Graeme. TR

Hey, how do you load a photo to the forums? TR

Oh, I LOVE Flip's Tale, I am the one (I think!) who insisted the Dude read it waaaay back last year. I knew he'd love it. Its so wonderful, the most beautiful scenery, the sweetest, sexiest kilted boys, fun times in boarding school, rugby and all that jazz. I wrote him some fan emails but he never answered me...but I forgive him. Great, great story, much fun of all kinds in Flip's Tale. Kisses... TR

Reminds me of a time back in fifth grade when a story came back from the teacher marked in red for this sentence: Just then, he spotted the leopard. I no longer remember the story but I will never forget how gosh darn dumb I felt when I realized what I'd done. It has made me more conscious of that sort of thing, but it is NOT easy to notice while you're proofing your OWN material. Kisses... TR

I believe you mean 'brief', not 'terse'. 'Terse' suggests rudeness, among other things, I think you are referring strictly to short length. I don't think 'terse' would ever be good in a novel, I'm not even sure what sort of novel you could apply that word to. I see it listed as a synonym for 'brief' here online but it's not, it has too many other shades to it. You have to use care with synonym lists, temper them with your own knowledge of words and, when you don't recognize one, refrain from using it. A lot of listed synonyms have similar denotations but dissimilar connotations. Some of the books you refer to were written with precise word count limits by the 'pulp' publishers so might in no way indicate the author's actual intent or preference. And overlong novels are nothing new, ever read Solzthenitzyn (or other Russian novelists), Joyce's Ulysses, Balzac, or...who is that famous 19th c. guy who churned out hefty romances like clockwork? The idea of least number of words is a hallmark of several authors, not least among them Hemmingway or, to a lesser extent, Faulkner. For a modern writer who can make 'anything interesting', I'd suggest Anne Tyler, who writes about extremely ordinary family events with a tender, heartfelt appreciation for same. As forum moderator, I give you permission (I'm not sure you really needed permission) to post little things for critique but I'm not sure that's helpful on the road to actually completing fiction works. Wouldn't it be better to actually write a short story or at least begin a novel, then post it and look for critique? I think the storyline or characterization would be areas where you'd be looking for improvement, from what you say, so a few descriptive paragraphs wouldn't really help anyone help you. But, as I say, feel free. What you've posted is okay as a description to begin a scene, but doesn't go far to tell us what kind of story you might produce. Some don't like the use of italics like this (not me, I use them myself) and the alone-ness of the narrator might be a little heavy handed. Maybe you could show rather than tell? For myself, I'd rather intuit sadness or loneliness from the text, rather than have it spelled out so directly. If you tell the reader everything, where's the fun of reading? TR

Maybe so, but my experience is that editors don't return your stuff to you, with the exception of the times Gabe has proofed for me. Maybe no one else can stomach my writing style. Dude is always after me to stop sending him repeated revisions after he's already posted...a side effect of no editor. Occasionally, a reader has proofed for me, though I do think that proofing and editing aren't the same thing-I just have no experience with the latter. I'd prefer having an editor, actually, as I'm told it improves your writing. TR

Gabe and I did some mutual editing a while back, but mainly I use no editor other than myself. Which may explain a lot... TR Sigh..that was me, not logged in. I am so not happy with all this... Sniffle. TR

Speaking of peeves, Mother used to punish us for saying words like 'lousy' or 'crap'. You people just have no 'home training'. A lot of these words and phrases are just collequialisms, not necessarily wrong, in context. And don't any of you write internal or spoken dialogue? Sheesh. Kisses... TR

Speak fer yerself, Elf. Kisses... Lovely TR

Ooooh, he's right! What sayeth the Scarab to that? Kisses... TR

No one wanted to hurt Naillo's feelings. Except you.:twisted: Kisses... TR

I'm particularly proud of its brevity. Less is more, especially with my poetry. Kisses... TR

What WOULD we do without WBMS to keep us humble? Kisses... TR

Literary elitism aside, Stephen King IS a good storyteller, that's why people buy his books, and why Hollywood makes movies of them. I know that some people whose books sell aren't good storytellers, but they don't have the devoted fans that King does. I used to know a girl who read nothing BUT Stephen King, she was otherwise unliterate. Just amazing to me. He does, usually, tell a good story. Doesn't that make him a master of it? People telling and retelling his stories, rereading them? A storyteller does need an audience, I'd guess, whether his audience lived back during the last Ice Age or now, between Ice Ages, and standing in line for a latte. Storytelling is a kind of entertaining, maybe the original kind. If people are enthralled by someone's stories, aren't they a master? If not, what makes a master storyteller? TR