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Hemorrhoids  

11 members have voted

  1. 1. Which denizen should be used as a cure for Hemorrhoids?

    • Emu Feathers
      1
    • Rabbit Fur
      1
    • Orangutan Fur
      5
    • Trevor (please use this name from now on)
      4
    • Bruin Fur
      0


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Hi:

Perhaps you remember me. I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV.

This is my first post in a long, long time. About 7 months. The gestation period for a raccoon is only 63 days. What does this tell you? Nothing. Except that my sense of humour is more or less intact.

I'll be honest, I almost didn't come back -- I figured nobody missed me. But Dude Trevor tried to convince me otherwise. I have no idea why he still puts up with me. I came under an hour ago to one private message dated 9 August 2009. Wow. The crowd really did miss me. It's okay, though, I still missed some of you guys/gals. That or maybe it was gas. It's so hard to tell.

Coming back was a difficult decision and there are many complex emotions involved, none of which I'll go into detail about. My return will happen in several steps.

My return is subject to one condition. No questions about anything in the past. None. From anyone. Seriously. I'd rather leave and stay gone that go into that. No emails, IMs, PMs, or even posts here and so on that touch upon anything prior to now. Let the past stay dead and let this be the final word on it? Okay.

You can ask about my past writings but only by posting here in this forum. In fact, I'll answer the first question before anyone asks with a "Maybe" -- that question is "Will your writings return?" That's about step five or so. But I'm considering it. Some of my works won't return.

I am not currently writing. I am not currently editing. I am currently thinking. If you're a smart arse, you may say "there's a first for everything."

I have been told that there were a lot of posts about me in my absence. I did not come here (or anywhere) during that time and as such I did not read them, nor will I. I will not go back prior to the date and time before this post. If you feel I should read something that happened between my departure and now, you can provide me a link to the post, but make sure I won't see something that violates my one condition..

I hope the moderators here will take care of any replies or future posts that violate my condition before I see them. In time, perhaps I will drop said condition but not for a long, long time. I thank you for your forbearance. I thank you more for winning Powerball tickets.

Why did I come back? Hemorrhoids. No, wait, that's not it. Rabies! No. Not that either. It certainly wasn't the guy who runs this site. What's his name? Shit, I can't even remember. Dude Trevor or something like that. It's hard to be serious sometimes. I'm sure you realize it's not always in my nature.

Ok, seriously, though I am back in very, very small doses. I'll probably come around once a week or so for the next few months. After I feel a bit comfortable, I may even post a bit more often.

  1. I will catch up on some reading after a few months more.
  2. Maybe I missed a few of you. I deny all such allegations and claim to know nobody here. Especially not Dude Trevor
  3. Um, do I need three? I want to skip step three.
  4. I've been told orangutan fur can cure hemorrhoids.
  5. I may eventually return to other sites. This is my original home and this is where I'm returning first. (I sincerely hope Tim forgives me. I tried to talk to him but have been unable to contact him.)
  6. Once I'm settled wherever I want to go, I will begin to take on small editing jobs.
  7. After editing jobs, I will discuss my old writings and re-releasing them
  8. Finally, I'll talk about new writing too. The epic I was writing was lost due to a hard drive issue. I was very far in to it and I am pretty upset over that, but I'll recover.

I do wish to thank a few people with whom I've had limited contact in my absence. Only I won't name names. I've exchanged some email and IMs with people the past few weeks which helped me make this decision. I hope it's the right one.

This post is rambling and disjointed, but since it's the first one in a long while, I hope you forgive me.

My YIM and AIM and AOL E-mail remain unchanged. As do my underwear.

:icon_geek:

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Avast ye, impostor!

Be not fooled, friends and neighbors! The beast that walks before you is not goodman WriteByThySelf! Hark! He's wearing a mask!

...

...Why isn't it coming off?

Oh, right. The raccoon thing. Jeez, it has been a while.

Never mind, then.

Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about. For the names have all changed since you've hung around, but those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

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So I went to bed and when I awoke, the Raccoon had returned.

It's a great day. :icon_geek:

It is with the greatest pleasure that we, in this forum, by choice rather than destiny, do indeed hail our wondrous friend and welcome him back.

You have been missed.

We will do our best to abide by your conditions for your return. All transgressors will have their hemorrhoids deprived of orangutan fur including the special orangutan applicator.

I'm just pleased you have returned.

:hehe:

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Welcome and hello! It's nice to see you'll be around. Everyone's still pretty much the same as they were, and we have a few newbies who aren't really newbies but have some interesting connections and interesting things to say.

You been missed, man!

Colin :icon_geek:

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Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about. For the names have all changed since you've hung around, but those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Dear Lord. That song brought back memories of some television that hasn't aged well.

I have a headache but in spite of it, I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words. Even Cole because we all know his words weren't sincere. He's plotting to do me in with an Oxford Comma. If you find a dead raccoon with an Oxford Coma an his back, it's probably me. And Cole is the perpetrator.

Oddly, Trevor remains silent.

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I have a headache but in spite of it, I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words. Even Cole because we all know his words weren't sincere. He's plotting to do me in with an Oxford Comma. If you find a dead raccoon with an Oxford Coma an his back, it's probably me. And Cole is the perpetrator.

And here I thought I was the only one who'd clashed with Cole about Oxford Commas.

Pro-Oxy for life, baby.

Which reminds me of this article that you and other writers/editors would probably enjoy.

who would have figured that sweet little Vinny Barbarino would have grown up to be the Punisher's nemesis Howard Saint.

I have to admit that I DID NOT see that coming.

I don't know. I think The Punisher fits in well in inner-city school settings. That's why I have a Punisher logo on my faculty ID, and occasionally straighten out students by threatening to "go all Punisher" on them. They have yet to respond with a spirited "Up your nose with a rubber hose" or "In your socks with a pound of lox," however.

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