Trab
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Like a wilted wall-flower. Very sad.
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Are you okay, Des? Shall I call emergency services for you? Is it a stroke, or just dementia?
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"Gives me a tingly feeling all over."That's scary. It's not Dickens that gives you that feeling, but EleC. Maybe EleC stands for EleCtricity.
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Oh, come on now Maddy; you know Dickens punishes us with all his works, and doesn't need to come back from the dead to do so.
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Shit. I just realized SOMEONE is now going to comment on both my age and exhibitionism in front of the court.
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Ohhh. I loved A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.
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"I have a credit card and everything."Good thing, 'cause Camy picks grapes for a living. Thinking about it though, I guess you serve grapes for a living. You're right, Rad Steven, I AM bad.
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I'm reminded of my mother getting a phone call from a call center."Hello?""Oh. Really? I'm 87 years old, what would I want a vacation in Mexico for?""Free? Okay, send me the ticket.""Fees? That's not a prize then, is it? If I have to pay for it, it's not a prize.""Oh. Well, I don't have any money anyway, so good-bye." Click"Stupid idiots. Do they think I was born yesterday?"
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Have you thought about changing your name, Jason. Jason Radbaud. Hmm. Not bad.
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I would suggest that the fact that there was not another entry within a few minutes or hours is indicative of a rather awesome night. That won't take away the angst though, unless there was some very serious and heavy TALKING going on. Surprisingly, talk is NOT cheap, if it is honest talk. Bawdy language can be altogether too cheap to count on.
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I should add, that the effects of being truthful and open, rather than deceitful and closed off, are rather startlingly nice. When you are honest with someone else, you need to be honest with yourself first, as a simple matter of reality, and being honest with yourself is absolutely essential to your own self worth and preservation. Just like "Fagboy" as a nickname doesn't hurt you, because it is the truth and you know it and feel 100% happy with being gay, other comments will not hurt either, if your inner self is protected from the outside by the truth that's inside. It's when you feel like you are betraying yourself, that you really start to feel screwed up and will do so much damage to yourself. If you lie to yourself, it's the ultimate betrayal, and I think you've taken a lot of very positive steps to move away from that type of self betrayal. I suspect though, that you're being a bit evasive with your "confused gay boy", and that it should more correctly read, "Scared shitless of being hurt again gay boy". From everything I've read from you recently, I'd say you are in a much stronger position to deal with any possible hurt from outside. Hugs, Jason.
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Wow. I mean, WOW! This could be a Cole story. I think you need to take your cue from Mark. He came right out and said that about the pillow, and, as far as I'm concerned, that is a total opening for you to discuss this. That's what I think you need to do. You know you are confused. You know you don't want to cause trouble. You know you don't want to get trouble. You know you like him. You know he likes you. You know you're gay. You know he professed to be straight, but is starting to act a bit confused/bi/gay. You NEED to have clarification, and frankly, so does Mark. He needs to step forward and address his own ambiguity, and he needs to do that with you. His pretty blatant comment about the pillow is, in my view, an expression of that need.Think about it. Think of the possibilities. You get clarification, and he does too, and you both become 100% bonded friends. Great. Or, you get clarification, and he does too, and you both become lovers. Not quite as good as friends, but nothing to sneer at. OR, you get clarification, and he does too, and you go on with simply being professionals in the workplace. Hey, not too bad. OR, you get clarification, and he does too, and you are totally disappointed because he's been jerking your chain, playing you like a fish, just to upset you. I don't believe that for one second, but would you be any worse off than before? You would have had the pleasure of the thoughts, and, without any serious entanglements, move on. If he is truly straight, but wants to have you as his friend, albeit a very comfortable friend, your best way, it seems to me, is for you to flush this out by being introduced to his girlfriend, and going out to do something together. All three of you. Talk about it amongst all of you. If he doesn't want to do that, it probably means she's simply cover. If you don't, it probably means you think she's merely his cover. If she doesn't want to do this, it probably means she's a bitch who doesn't care one whit for Mark, and he should dump her anyway.
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Hey Des, you forgot...you have to examine him very carefully, to make sure he's fit to get that diploma. In fact, we should strike up an examining team.
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Careful there, young lad. A generation didn't embrace that, just a small segment of one country did that. You wouldn't want to be condemned in future years as one of that generation that embraced the GWB policies and actions, would you?Any generation that embraced McCarthyism should never offer advice about anything nor should be allowed to have any say in the current decade. -
Gosh, Jason. I was going to respond to each of your points in turn, but I've thought the better of it. I don't hate, but I carry about a healthy supply of "despise", and I'd suggest you do the same. Hate is much too personal, but despise is a 'fit all' type of thing.As you may know, I worked for years, decades even, in a post office. I've had some mindless stunners. "How much is a 50 cent stamp?" is probably the stupidest, although, "Do you sell stamps?" is a close second. I can almost forgive them for the second question, since they've gone to marketing just about anything stationary related, and even Christmas decorations.Without a doubt though, the worst comment by a customer that I've ever heard put me close to the hate position, but fortunately I was saved by the fact that it was not directed at me. A moronic goon waited in the checkout line-up at a drug store, right in front of me. He got to the clerk, who asked him if she could help him, as he wasn't carrying any purchase for payment. He said that he needed film for his camera, and could she please get him some. She asked him what film he needed, and he shouted, "You're the fucking clerk here, you tell me!" We all stood there, stunned in disbelief. Finally, she said, "I don't know what kind of camera you have, sir, so I can't know that." He turned away, muttering, "Stupid bitch." and left the store.As for children in a restaurant, my buddy, who also has Aspergers, has actually approached the mother of an unruly child and asked her if she'd like to borrow one of his socks to shut it up. The nearby patrons actually applauded.The whole drug thing is pathetic. The whole thing is a pharmaceutical plot. Those companies actually build medical training facilities and insist that anyone studying there to be a doctor must have a specific number of hours of training in pharmaceuticals, but that they are under no circumstances allowed to teach or even suggest that there exist any alternative medical methods.
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You felt gay?
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What brought that out?
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I come at things like this from a different perspective, Asperger's Syndrome, and I can tell you that from that angle one is more apt to mourn, or rant and rave, due to an injured or sick living person than a dead one. You have known this has been coming and you have made your relationship a respectful one while you could. There is nothing more to do, except support your mother. The mourning may well have happened for you many months ago, a small bit at a time, and the funeral actually marks the end of the mourning, and the start of the new situation.Whatever you do, and whatever the situation, don't be looking for a 'what you should be feeling'. A quick chaste hug to you.
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I've just come back from both being away, and having my computer repaired, to find this totally inspiring blog. But, like always, I'm not one to sugar coat my feelings and opinions in the goodie goodie norms of society.Jason, you've taken a huge step, and I'm truly happy for you, but at some point you are going to find out that those weren't shackle, but bungie cords, and they're going to try to snap you back. Don't let down your guard for a moment. The demons are there, still playing with you, but like a fish on a line, you have much more control with the new thinner and weaker line they hold. What may happen is that you'll suddenly find that some 'new' addiction is forming. Be cautious. Be free.And above all, love and forgive yourself.
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Quite a number of years ago, so far back that I would not be able to either count the years or find the references, I read a very interesting article of some research done on addictions. It seems that ANY repetitive actions or behaviours done by mammals (that means people) have the possibility of creating an addiction, particularly if the actions and behaviours have a pleasure component to the person or animal involved. Experiments were conducted and statistics gathered that indicated that in people there were proven addictions, in the true sense of the word in that the person would suffer withdrawal symptoms of convulsions etc, just like in heroin addiction withdrawal, in the forms of jogging, eating a variety of foods, and sky diving. Yes, sky diving. It seems that just doing that 2 times a day for weeks on end will cause sky diving addiction and not having your dive for the day will cause convulsions and other ghastly withdrawals.It seems that this applies to all mammals (not sky diving, but addictions) but other animals seem to be resistant. Essentially, anything you do regularly has the potential to addict you, so you'd best be careful what you always do exactly the same.
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There are too many people, and there aren't enough resources for the wants, desires and needs of all of them. That said, we still have to look at the desire of people to cooperate for the greater good, compared to taking what they need for themselves. The lack of a 'heart' in the corporate world has undoubtedly driven our decency downwards, since there is no 'community spirit' in a corporation and there is no way to talk with such an entity. Generally, people seem to be fairly okay with each other if there isn't a 'heartless entity' involved. Once the big entity throws in its own agenda, that goodwill goes out the window. Anything, from corporations, to government institutions, to religious organizations, to gangs influence people to behave in other than caring ways towards each other, both by trying to garner loyalty unto themselves, or simply decreasing the importance of goodwill towards other humans. Even so called charitable organization do this, removing the direct humanity from the issue, in favor of an overall position, often too far removed from the people in need.My sister has, with help from her family and friends, raised enough money and sent enough supplies to a single family in the Philippines that they are now housed in a 3 bedroom apartment, have their first Christmas decorations and gifts, ever, and a fund for all the kids to go to school and on to college. This was done by simply showing the photos of the family, sending e-mails back and forth, and drawing from the kids, and of course, the odd thank-you note. The donations of money by each person, has exceeded by far, the amount they would normally have given to charitable institutions. The reason is clear; they can see the direct human beings in need, and see that their help has truly helped. Locally, there is more and more of a trend to go towards community service for young offenders. While it may not work for all, many can see that others are hurting too, and they get a good feeling about being able to help. Amazingly, helping someone else is generally the best way to get out of one's own depression. Also interestingly, the vast majority of poor people, give a much greater amount to charity (per income) than do rich people. Why? Almost certainly because they aren't removed from humanity like many richer types are. The rich isolate themselves (often, but not always), and they are the poorer for that.
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Adult negative actions: "All three men started to guffaw, which caused their huge bellies to heave up and down."
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I also suspect the pink slippers were fiction, and I strongly suspect the 'adult' negative actions were exagerated, as was Wilbur's feeling of defeat.
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I think maybe it's all those corn cobs pointing towards the sky, sheaths partly pulled back, fine hairs...
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