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DesDownunder

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Blog Entries posted by DesDownunder

  1. DesDownunder

    (39) Don't Fence Me In

    By DesDownunder,

    What next can go wrong?
    No don't tell me. I don't want to know.
    After all the other various catastrophes (see previous blog entries) the fence blew over in reasonably mild storm. I have shopped around Very carefully and have found a man who will fix the fence for $400.
    But the old fence is next to useless. The wooden railings have rotted. The posts have snapped off beneath the earth and a new fence is only $930. Bargain! Should I get two in case of another storm?
    (No, the insurance won't cover the fence as storm damage because the wood had rotted.) Silly me for thinking otherwise. I am so stupid.
    On top of that the computer has gone sillier than me. I have to start the thing then wait for it to not open Windows while it goes to a black screen, then press the reboot button. It then boots up okay. Office has stopped working properly. It has dropped back to an old install?? So I will need to update that.
    Now all of this is just a drain on my meagre savings. I soon won't have enough money to pay the boyfriend to keep living with me. Not that he charges much. So long as I keep him fed with donuts for breakfast he is happy.
    You guessed it, his favourite donuts come from the supermarket where their donut machine broke down and they can't get parts to fix it.
    So I have to make scones or toast and the b/f is not looking happy at all. He wants his donuts.
    I have asked the fencing fellow to put the new fence up as fast as he can so I will be able to let the b/f out into the backyard without fear of him running away. At the moment he is locked in the bedroom and I only let him out to shower or go to the video store to work to earn the money I am spending on cars, fences, printers, scanners and computers, all of which I need, so that the video store business will attract customers who continually believe that their sole purpose on the planet is to scratch the DVDs they hire from us. Although I will admit some of the DVDs, when they are returned, look like they have been used to serve the orderves Hors d??uvres at a garden party. I won't mention those that have teeth marks from where the hirers' kids have used the DVD for a Frisbee for their pet dog to catch.
    But I am not complaining, you understand, I have my health (so long as I can afford to buy my heart medicine, along with my vitamin supplements.)
    Thursday I have to take the b/f's car in for a new clutch. The car not the b/f. Thankfully his clutch is still fine, so long as the lights are out.

  2. DesDownunder
    Cole has provided some advice on making contact with the boys:
    I imagine the following might be the outcome of taking Cole's advice.
    "Oh Hi. I was just walking past your garage door when I thought you might be able to help me with my phone. I don't seem to be able to get the camera thingy working on the phone and wondered if you nice muscly boys have a clue?"
    "Ahh, yeah, sure Pops, we can help," said the twinkier one of the two.
    In less time than it takes to say "What nice thighs you have," I found myself the proud owner of the only mobile phone in existence to have a footprint on its surface from where it was kick-boxed into terminating its services. The blood will probably wash off, I am sure, but there are several broken thingamy-jigs and holes in the plastic case.
    Still the boys did serve nice cake and tea, when we got back from the emergency room where the Kung-Fu expert had to have several small transistors and printed circuit board pieces removed from his foot under a local anesthetic. His friend held his hand throughout the procedure. The surgeon wasn't going to let him, until they showed him the medical power of attorney they held in each others names.
    I did think they went a bit far when they kissed and shouted "Hooray" every time the surgeon removed another bit of plastic from his foot.
    I tried to pay for the emergency room but they said they were completely covered medically as a condition that their parents had insisted on when they told them they were going to live together.
    It seems that their parents were hoping for grandchildren and didn't want them to have any unexpected hospital bills.
    Feeling somewhat defeated and quite phoneless, I decided to drive home. The boys with their arms around each other waved me farewell, while the sunset over suburbia in a blaze of innocence not seen since before apple trees grew in Eden.
    Unlike the previous entry this one is based loosely on fictitious thoughts inspired by Cole's above advice.

  4. DesDownunder

    (49) Unwasted Youth

    By DesDownunder,

    Warning: Commercial Break:
    I posted a poem today in the Poetry Nook at Codey's World.
    It is called Unwasted Youth < click here
    Do let me know what you think.
    We now return you to the abnormal blog of DesDownUnder
    I'm still gay... and luvin' it.
  5. DesDownunder
    Recently I fell into that awful trap of missing out on a daily shower.
    This sometimes happens to techie types.
    A quick sponge-over was all I could manage.
    The next day as I prepared for my shower, I looked aghast at my pubic hair.
    It had lost its curl.
    The short and curlies were long and laying quite flat.
    Perplexed and not a little unconcerned, I proceeded with the bathing ritual, showering with as much gay abandon as I could.
    After my shower I looked once more at the offending hairs only to notice that the curls had returned in all their glory.
    Once more I could be known as afro groin, or should that be aphro groin?
    Still I cannot help but wonder if I gave up showering, would the rest of me become straight too?
    Don't tell Fred Phelps
    He might picket the showers.

  6. DesDownunder
    So here am I, aging by the second and running around trying to find some semblance of reason to the bizarre conditions of warranties.
    My new all singing, all dancing, all annoying mobile phone has stopped working after 6 months. The screen is plain white and the battery won't accept a recharge. I rang the Telephone company, -on the land line phone, as the mobile was busted. Did you really think I rang on the mobile which is broken? Of course you didn't. A voice answered,
    "In a few words," she says," Please tell me the purpose of your call."
    "WTF is this? oh, okay, I get it...My phone is busted."
    "I'm sorry," apologizes the voice, "I didn't understand you. In a few words please state the nature of your call."
    "My mobile phone isn't working."
    "Your phone isn't working. Does that sound right to you?"
    "yes!" I want to add an expletive or two but refrain.
    "Please tell me the nature of your problem."
    "The friggin phone ain't able to take a friggin charge."
    "Your account has been over-charged? Is that correct."
    "No!"
    Silence.
    "Please press the hash key."
    I press every key several times.
    "Okay, I am not able to ascertain your query, please hold while I connect to a service consultant."
    Musical interlude.
    "Your call is important to us and has been placed in a queue." announces a recorded voice. "We are experiencing an unusually large number of calls at the moment. You may wait in the queue or press 2 and leave your phone number and we will phone you back tomorrow."
    "Yeah right. Do I look stupid? I'll wait."
    Musical interlude, interrupted by a commercial trying to sell me a new phone. I ignore the offer to go to 'sales' by pressing 3.
    "Hello my name is Sam, how may I make you day perfect?"
    I burst out laughing.
    "Hello, hello...Can I help you?"
    "Yes you can. Firstly tell the boss to get a new script writer, secondly shoot the auto-voice system, it doesn't work."
    "Yes, we have a lot of trouble with that," says Sam.
    "And thirdly," I tell him, "I want my mobile phone repaired. It is under warranty."
    Certainly Sir, when was the phone purchased, what is the telephone number, which country are you in, and what seems to be wrong with the unit?"
    "The unit? Oh, you mean the phone."
    I supply the details he requires as quickly as I can, the sun is setting.
    After several minutes of music and commercials, Sam (he sounds really cute) returns and tells me that I have a a valid claim and he will escalate my case to the senior technician who will send me details on how to get my phone repaired. In the meantime if I want to use the phone service I should buy a cheap phone and put the SIM card into it. I thank Sam and before I can invite him home for a midnight tryst, he bids me farewell and hangs-up.
    The next day I buy the suggested cheap ? $60 phone, transfer the SIM card and voila, I am connected again to the mobile phone world.
    Four days later, the Senior Technician sends me a return for service form, which I must sign. In it, is a clause that says I agree to being charged a minimum of $100 if they fix the phone because it is not broken under warranty. No. I check with a lawyer friend. Don't sign it he advises.
    "I have no intention of signing it," I tell him.
    "Wait until Monday and take it direct to the manufacturer's service department." So I will do that.
    In the meantime, the laser printer is reporting a paper jam, but there is no paper jammed in it. It's under warranty. I check their website which is like trying to find your way around a brothel in the dark. You can tell someone is being badly screwed, you're just hoping it isn't you.
    Finally I find a local phone number to call.
    "If your enquiry is to do with a scanner please press 2,
    If your enquiry is to do with a printer please press 3,
    If your enquiry is to do with something else we make, please press another number..."
    And so on...Finally a girl informs me she will email me with the time for the printer to be serviced...
    The printer serviceman is coming Monday. They will charge me $104.50 per hour from the time he leaves their premises until the time he returns if he finds the paper jam is due to a paper jam, as that is not covered under the warranty.
    Where is the Consumer Affairs phone number. Ah there it is.
    "Hello, you have rung consumer affairs. If your enquiry is about..."
    I hang up.

  7. DesDownunder
    Slumdog Millionaire has won the Best Picture Oscar and I had to walk out after 20 minutes.
    Why?
    Why did it win, or why did I walk out?
    I can't begin to guess why it won except to reward new wave filming for by-passing tried and proven techniques of movie making.
    Why did I leave the screening?
    Because the handheld camera and sloppy filming interfered with my being able to relate to the image.
    The smart-ass cinematography and editing got in the way of the story for me. And when the hand-held camera did stop moving, the supposedly 'interesting' but really only perfunctory images were framed at an angle that made me feel like I should turn 122 degrees clockwise or anti-clockwise in order to comprehend what I was suppose to be looking at.
    My natural view of the world does not tend be obtuse or at an obtuse angle, and I detest having such an obtuse view being imposed on my visual perception.
    To me it would be like trying to read a story with the words all jumbled in a way that destroyed the message of the sentence.
    Imagine the words all at odd angles, scrolling across the page and then suddenly scrolling up or down the page. There are reasons why the early directors and cinematographers spent so much time and effort developing conventions in the medium to communicate to audiences without the medium getting in the way of the story.
    All the time spent, while I was occupied trying to ascertain what the hell I was looking at, slowly ate away at my desire to continue watching.
    I was feeling a headache coming on, with a touch of dizziness, any longer and I would have suffered vertigo and nausea.
    So I left. Reluctantly.
    I say reluctantly, because I really wanted to see and understand what I thought would be an interesting movie. I have seen many Indian movies and know they can do better than this.
    Sadly, I am not able to cope with its form.
    Does anyone else have this problem with these kinds of modern filming techniques?
    I'd be particularly interested to know if any younger people can relate to my experience, but I already have the feeling I have suddenly got old, if not a bit cranky.
  8. DesDownunder
    Whatever must you all be thinking of me? I mean it is 12 days since my last blog entry.
    So to catch up, my ribs a re much better, thanks. I have a short story in editing stage and I have a new computer operating without Vista.
    I think I might have a new poem coming on, but these things can be elusive.
    I know I had worked out the opening lines just before I fell asleep last night, but I can't remember a thing about them today, but it was a great idea and I'm sure it revealed several fascinating details about the human condition.
    Talking about the human condition I always feel it should be available at the supermarket on the shelf alongside the human shampoo.
    Our local supermarket probably wouldn't stock it though, as it is run by homophobic moron managers.
    A wonderful, efficient, cheerful and intelligent young man in his early twenties has been the life of the checkouts, ever since he came to work with his hair spiked in the shape of Roman Centurion helmut.
    I of course mentioned to him how much I envied his black spiky hairdo and told him I would have something similar (but in red) if I still had all my hair. He laugh flirtatiously with me and always smiles when he sees me.
    I guess we both pretty much guessed we had a common desire in men's hairstyles, if you get my meaning?
    Anyway a couple of weeks ago he was checking me out, or was I checking him out? No he was checking out my groceries...Oh dear that sounds kinky doesn't it?
    A couple of weeks ago he was scanning my goods...errr, registering my prices, ringing up my items?
    I was at the checkout counter with my purchases when I noticed he had blonded the spikes of his hair, but left the sides of his hair jet black. It suited his dark features and I complimented him on the hair style.
    "The boss doesn't like it," he told me, "I have to have it normal by Monday or they will fire me."
    "That's outrageous," I said, "An invasion of your personal self expression."
    "That's what the union said," he said to me, "so they are going to talk to management tomorrow."
    "Well if you need someone to say they are happy with your work, I am willing to stand by you." I told him. He thanked me.
    Of course I would have been willing to stand, sit, kneel or lay down by him, but I didn't say so. I didn't want to scare the poor boy. I thought he was probably already stressed out enough.
    He thanked me again, as I gathered up the scanned goods and departed with spiky images stored for late night fantasies at my house.
    A few days later I saw him again and he said that management wasn't pleased but the union had made it clear, his hair style was not to be subject of his performance...as a checkout operator. He thought they would try to get him to resign though.
    A few more days passed and I had to go back to the supermarket for some more stuff, I swear I spend half my life there, when I realized I hadn't seen the spiky-haired one, lately.
    So I asked the friendly but not so cute tubby checkout guy where he was. Now this youngish, but not terribly bright fellow looked to his left, then to his right, then leaning across the counter as he slowly confided to me, "They wanted to fire him, because of his hair, but the union wouldn't let them because his hair is an expression of his h-o-m-o-sex-u-ality."
    "Quite right too," I said, working overtime to keep as straight a face as I could, "None of their business."
    "Yes," he said, "It shouldn't make a difference as long as he does his work."
    Today I learned the spiked hairdo has left for a job in another supermarket some miles away.
    I will miss getting my goods checked out by him.
    The supermarket management is badly in need of some humane conditioning.
    I hope my spiky-haired checkout guy is happier with his new job.
    I am sure his new employer will be satisfied with his work.
  9. DesDownunder

    First Entry

    By DesDownunder,

    Okay so now I have a blog. What do I do with it?
    I could blog on about lots of stuff but that would bore me and anyone reading it.
    I just want to see what happens for the moment so I'll post this and then get back later with something more...or less, meaningful.
  10. DesDownunder
    The following is inspired by Camy and the replies in his blog entry "Rowing not rowing."
    Quote Kapitano (from Camy's blog):
    I think the expectation of discord in a relationship is one of the major causes of those tensions.
    Having an idea of what concerns you about the habits of a someone you like, should most likely be weighed against your own needs to control the other person.
    If at least one of the two people in a relationship hasn't got over the TV sitcom idea of controlling the other person then arguments are bound to occur.
    The idea of creating a perfect partner after having failed to find Mr (or Ms) Right, is never really going to lead to a harmonious relationship.
    Helping someone to be who they want to be, even allowing them to just be themselves, is a tricky business.
    Making the someone into whom you want them to be is fraught with impending action of disaster.
    So how can we avoid arguments, resentment, disappointments, plots to kill each other etc. in our relationships?
    The answers are as numerous as there are couples trying to find the 'Happy Ever After.'
    Too many of us worry about stupid things like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or the end of the tube . Whilst in confrontation mode, neither party is going to find the obvious solution of each person having their own tube of toothpaste. This principle can go a long way to solving the minor stupid annoyances of no real consequence.
    Finally however there comes a time to realise that you don't care about the other guy's imperfections; indeed you may find they are what makes him special to you.
    The Hippie Guide to Love says, you should set up rows of suitors to have as wide a range of lovers as is possible.
    It also says,
    If you find someone to love, set them free, if they come back to you, they love you too.
    What this means is, that if you love someone, you seek to liberate them; set them free from what ever confines them, and never attempt to imprison them in your own ideal world. Indeed such a prison has two inmates; both of you. If either of you attempt to be the prison guard as well, resentment will follow. Both must escape this prison and decide to be together, each of their own free will.
    When both partners know that they are free to be themselves, arguments tend to be discussions on what is best for either or both of them, rather than just being selfish assertion of a rule or concept of what is 'right.' This is not a compromise however. It is a somewhat, simple, (sometimes difficult) sacrifice made, for the one you love.
    But before you can love another, you must learn to love yourself. Self-loathing is not really a satisfactory basis for loving another person.
    Once you have come to love yourself, you are then able to sacrifice your self-love, by offering love to another.
    It is here that the core of argument ferments, if for any one moment, the offering or substantiation of love is perceived as rejected or ignored.
    It is necessary to trust that love exists at these moments, that love has matured beyond selfish ambition, that owning each other is not a worthy relationship. That the arguments, the ambitions, the expectations even, are sacrificed because loving each other freely is our unconditional vow.
    Then we may become aware we are wondrously, humans, being in love.
    Sometimes we may express our affection by telling the object of our love to "Go Fuck yourself!"

  11. DesDownunder
    SO what do you do when you have an embarrassing, cute idea for a story and you just know it is going to be full of clich?s, and breaks a whole pile of rules about writing? Why of course, you go ahead and write it.
    So without further ado, I announce my latest short story Abducted For a Reason for your reading pleasure right here on AwesomeDude.
    Hope you enjoy it.
  12. DesDownunder
    As many of you who follow my posts...there are some of you who do follow my posts?
    Anyway as you might know, I am very interested in creativity and the boundaries that copyright imposes on artists.
    I have posted some of these links before but I wanted to bring them together as resource, because I think it is extremely relevant and important.
    These links centre around the work of Professor Lawrence Lessig and his books on freedom of expression in creativity. See his books at this site.
    Addition thoughts from a book reading by Professor Lawrence Lessig who tackles the copyright problem with original insight, can be found here.
    Also see this link for further profound and interesting discussion on creative ideas.
    I think this is very very important.
  14. DesDownunder
    What a time of it I have had. The faulty phone line finally stopped working altogether. I couldn't stand to be without my web-fix, so I used up more of the bank's money and have a temporary connection via the cell phone acting as a modem. $60 for 1 Gig for 1 month. Yikes. Oh and the speed is a blistering 460kps.
    And of course when I signed up for this "bargain" the girl didn't tell me I would need to insert an access code. Oh no I had to ring for help. A robot female voice asked me to tell her "in as few words as possible please say the reason for your call."
    She couldn't understand a thing I said.
    So for 3 hours I was switched from one department to another, often to be told by a recorded voice that the number they had switched me to, was no longer a valid number and I should check to see that I dialled it correctly. Obviously they have attended the Microsoft school of customer liaison.
    After being connected to several people in Melbourne, Hobart (in Tasmania) Sydney and a strange man with an Indian accent who couldn't understand me any more than the female answering robot, I finally spoke to a technician (in Adelaide of all places) who told me the access code and to reboot the cell phone by restoring the factory settings. Who knew? Certainly not the girl who took my money.
    When I finally got it all working, guess what, the partial connection on my faulty home line decided it was no use going to the trouble of not letting me connect to the web and decided to work perfectly for the next 4 hours.
    No officer, I have not scalped any one, that is my hair on the floor. I ripped it out by the #&@*$#ing roots whilst talking to my #&@*$#ed phone company.
    What's that you say? You will arrest them for causing me to curse. How nice of you. Such a cute young police officer, won't you stay and cruise the net with me? I'll make you a lovely breakfast?
    Yeah if only.
  15. DesDownunder
    As strange as it will seem to our Northern siblings, today is the first day of spring in Australia.
    This is due to the tilt of the Earth's orbit and axis, (which, despite those who think otherwise is not part of an axis of evil), bringing the Southern Hemisphere to a greater exposure to the Sun.
    Walking in space, this can be clearly be seen and is a wonderful site.
    To walk in space by the way all you have to do is close your eyes and step off the edge of the world.
    This also should provide you with the knowledge that any axis of evil is all in the minds of certain politicians who only see evil wherever they look.
    Springtime in Australia has no relationship to Springtime for Hitler, talking about Axis of evil.
    Our own evil obsessed politicians are to be voted upon in a forth coming election and the good people of Australia are intent on trying to work out the lesser of those evils to elect to power. Power of course is usually just one axis of evil after another.
    Today however, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. The young men are trying on their bathing costumes and the rest of us are having evil thoughts about that.
    Tanning shops are selling tans at horrendously evil prices for those who don't have enough time to bath in the sun for a natural tan, owing to the fact that they all have evil jobs that make them work till after sundown, but at least they have the money to pay for the tan.
    Spring carnivals, we call them "Royal Shows," are being prepared in every state. Sales of candy floss (would you believe we call it "Fairy floss") along with rancid hot dogs in mouldy bread left over from last week's football games will be sold at evilly obscene prices, along with meat pies covered in sauce or sitting in a bowl of pea soup which we call a "pie floater."
    The Royal Shows have what we call side shows with really evil rides that usually end up being quite unsafe. It is a good idea to not stand near these rides as the riders sometimes vomit up the aforementioned hot dogs or pies, or both, and it flies out all over the bystanders in the crowd. Luckily it usually rains in the afternoons and washes people clean as they head home with an evil head cold.
    Spring also sets young people to fancy evil thoughts about what they would like to do to each other and thankfully for them, they usually manage to succeed in have a fun time doing it. Older people of course are obsessed with stopping them from having such fun, simply because they have forgotten how to have it themselves, or so the young think.
    Anyway I will leave you to ponder the evil joys of Springtime in OZ as you Northerners head into Autumn - Fall before the evils of Winter over take you and Summer burns the hell out of us downunder.
    What a wonderful World!

  16. DesDownunder
    What can you do when you lose your data on your computer? Here is an answer to such a disaster which embarrassingly, befell me recently.
    I was setting up a new computer for my video store when I was overtaken by frustration, fatigue and fear that I would never finish the task.
    So to liven things up, what other excuse could I possibly have, I went to my own computer opened the windows disk manager and deleted what I thought was a left over partition from when I had the Acronis backup software on the system. I didn't like the software so I had uninstalled it. (Oh the irony of it all). What I didn't know was, that the Acronis' dedicated partition had then became part of the partition alongside it, so when I deleted it I deleted all my data as well. All my stories, unfinished manuscripts, essays, tax records, emails, etc., gone~ lost in the bottomless pit of deletion without a warning or confirmation from Windows XP. Thank you very much.
    Slowly the situation dawned on my sentience. To say I felt devastated, even suicidal at the loss of my tax records, not to mention my stories, is to grossly underestimate the trauma I felt washing over me with a trembling uncertainty of real-time terror.
    Not since my first romance broke up had I felt such destabilizing queasiness in the pit of my stomach. I sat looking at the remains of my computer, my lifeline to my ego.
    Fortunately the windows XP operating system was intact being on its own partition. I could even surf the web, though I had none of my bookmarks.
    I rang my computer guru friend who told me he would call in a few hours as he might have a program which could help. I Googled the web for undelete programs. So many choices. So many opportunities to make things worse.
    Shattered, I went to bed. It was 4am and I didn't trust myself to make sensible decisions at that hour, and I knew I had to be careful; mustn't do anything that could overwrite the files that hopefully were still on the drive.
    The following day, having found that it wasn't all a bad dream, I continued looking for undelete programs and after much thought and no sign of the computer guru friend, I decided on a program called Find and Mount, mainly because its name reminded me of my first boyfriend.
    I installed the program and it did indeed find the deleted partition, mounted it, and displayed the results as a read only drive in Windows Explorer. I copied the files to another hard drive I luckily had on hand, and then reformatted the missing partition and copied the files back again. Total restoration of 100gig of data was achieved in just a couple of hours. I cancelled the computer guru, who was happy not to have to come (a first for him) as he had to attend so many idiots that day.
    It would have taken longer to copy the files and folders as the free version of the software only transfers at 500 KB/second, so I paid the not unreasonable $US 43.95 to purchase Partition Find and Mount, which then transferred as fast as the system would allow. To say I was pleased is an understatement. I haven't been so ecstatic since the first boyfriend and I found each other and explored various mounting partitions, er I mean positions, and we didn't even display the results in any windows.
    I need hardly add that I am not associated with the Partition Find and Mount Company except as a happy customer.
    I was also happy with the first boyfriend and he didn't charge, but he decided it was necessary to help as many people as he could find and mount.
    Luckily I can't delete the fond memories I have of him.
    Partition Find and Mount is a very cool program that lets you safely try it out, even use it, if you don't mind the slower speed.
    Highly recommended, like the first boyfriend.
    PS (As for all you people who think I should do a backup, I did that too with the first boyfriend.)
  17. DesDownunder
    "Hold still," said the doctor, "It is just a little prick."
    "Not from what I have heard," I told him.
    "Oh, and what have you heard?" he said with menace in his eyes as he waved the needle in his hand.
    I thought better than to antagonize the poor man, after all he was nearly as old as me.
    "Have you had your flu injection?" I asked.
    "Yes I have," he responded, "so I know how small a prick it is. But this isn't your flu injection. You had that last month. This one is your pneumonia shot and is even smaller."
    And with that he jabbed the needle into my arm, squeezed the plunger and muttered the standard physician's "ah hmm."
    "What does that mean?" I asked, "Did the needle break off in my arm? Did you miss the mark? Is it the wrong injection? How long have I got left?"
    "Not long at all if you don't be quiet," he grinned, his teeth snarling as he inspected the remains of the syringe.
    "Why can't these things come in a pill or a capsule? I'm very good at swallowing," I said.
    The good doctor rolled his eyes and then looked at me with mischief in both eyes. "You mean you can shut your mouth long enough to swallow?"
    "Oh I can swallow with my mouth open." I said.
    He looked vanquished as he replied, " I should have seen that one coming."
    "I usually can," I offered helpfully.
    "I'm sure you can."
    He placed a band-aid on my arm.
    "There that will probably be sore tomorrow, but at least you have some protection now."
    "So I don't need to wear a condom anymore?" I asked.
    "Only if you know the prick hasn't been infected," he roared with laughter as he opened the door to show me out.
    "Pay the nurse on the way out," he said still chuckling.
    "Oh," I said, "That would be for the money shot, then?"
    "Your scaring the other patients," he said as he shut the door.
    "All fixed?" asked the nurse as I paid her.
    "All depends what you mean by "fixed," I said as I left.
    Going to the doctors is so much fun.
  18. DesDownunder
    A Heinz Mayo food advertisement has been criticised in the UK for a gay kiss between two men. This has caused a reaction from all quarters of society. I though an Australian 'take' on this might be illuminating even if it is a bit satirical.
    Just for interest, it is true that an Australian TV series called 'Number 96' showed Aussie TV's first gay kiss in 1974.
    Because of that, Australia has become a country of homosexuals ever since. We constantly arrest people from the general community and put them in homosexual training centres called jails.
    Heterosexual people often confuse gay sex with their own revulsion of natural bodily functions. This has caused many of them to lead very unimaginative sex lives, much to their partners' dismay. Gay people have organised street parades called 'Gay Mardi Gras' and 'Gay Festivals' in nearly every Australian city. Wild parties are being hosted everywhere by gay people to try to show heterosexual couples that sex can be fun.
    However we have to be careful of what the rest of the world thinks of us, so we pretend to only 'tolerate' gay people, by making it look like we don't approve of gay marriage. The truth of the matter is of course we fight for, and encourage the rights of homosexuals, everywhere wherever possible, especially on the beaches, on the streets and between the sheets. We will never surrender, (except for our virginity.)
    Gay people are doing their best to have babies, so far without much luck.
    Fortunately there are sufficient heterosexual people remaining in Australia who are having babies, a percentage of whom will become gay if they aren't already.
    The Australian Governments have secretly assisted the GLBT community to deliver assistance to heterosexual parents who are bewildered by their lack of gay offspring, in helping them to understand that love between people of the opposite sex is as acceptable as love between same sex partners.
    Proper nutrition is very important for the newly born baby and it has been suggested that Heinz baby food is an excellent source of the gay gene.

  19. DesDownunder

    Feeding Desire.

    By DesDownunder,

    Have you ever noticed the seeming preoccupation French movies have with sex and food? Every time a new French movie comes into the video store, we get heaps of questions about if there is food in it? You'll notice no one asks, "Is there sex in it?" Well it's French so of course there is sex in it, seems to be taken for granted. But it's the movies with sex and food that seem to do the best business.
    Now I don't mean to single out the French, but it does seem their movies are the most likely to comply with the sex and food content, although I do think the Italians serve up a fair amount of sex with their noodles. And of course there's the gay movie Eating Out amongst others.
    That brings me to consider the seductive attributes of the texture of many foods. I mean pasta itself is just oozing with slippery morsels writhing in freshly warmed sauces as your utensil swirls them around on the plate. Haven't you ever thought of just grabbing a handful or two of the luscious noodles and rubbing them all over your prime ribs? A kind of alimental pasta.
    For starters of course there is soup du jour, soup of the day, for you uncouth hamburger munchers. What better way to seduce a lover than with a thick cream of celery soup or even potato and leek. Hmm that sounds like a guy I knew several times.
    Anyway I thought I should pass on few culinary hints to assist you all to enjoy the art of food and sex. You see there is more to seduction over a meal than just with a bottle of good wine.
    Each item on the menu should suggest the never-ending possibilities of the debauchery to follow the main course. Think of these tempting dishes.
    Standard oysters au naturel should send the appropriate signals for starters, (If you can get him to dine au naturel, you may be able to forget dinner altogether,) followed by a main course, some of which I mention here:
    Twin Hot dogs in white sauce.
    Roast stuffed chicken or chicken vol-au-vent.
    Rump steak, or T-bones, medium rare.
    Chunky meatloaf surrounded by an array of delicate baby peas, whole miniature carrots and cauliflower smothered in cheese sauce.
    If you manage to serve a desert than you can be reasonably certain that you have either failed as a seductive cook or your dinner companion is as thick as a brick. Not to worry, a double layer cream sponge covered in caramel sauce and decorated with pink icing hearts served with flaming brandy around the edge of the plate, usually sends the right signals, provided it doesn't set the house on fire instead of him.
    Coffee with a flute of French Cognac should serve to make sure that he has to stay the night. Can't have him driving home under the influence, after all you want him under your influence, or you under his. Either way one of you should be grilled lightly until done.
    Of course if you are both so hyped up you can't sleep, you should offer a relaxing massage. Now the best massage oil is sesame oil, the same sesame oil that you used to fry the rice, very sensual and edible.
    In the morning you look at him sleeping there alongside you with only an empty bottle of sesame oil between you. He awakens, he looks at you and wants more. Damn, you've used up all the lubricants you had in the house.
    But wait there is an answer. Breakfast.
    The kitchen is a source of wonders to behold, and so you cook two big bowls of fine-ground oatmeal.
    You serve them in bed and as you do so, you accidentally spill some onto his abs. Quickly you wipe the oatmeal up with your fingers noticing how very slippery freshly cooked oatmeal is...and its warm too...
    What's for lunch? Maybe the guy next door would like to help make a banana sandwich.
    (Please observe all precautions for safe eating.)

  21. DesDownunder
    So what is it like to be 3x21?
    What can be said that will give hope that there is life after 30?
    Is there a moment in life where it all comes together?
    Well lets put it this way, I ain't saying because I don't want to depress the young amongst you.
    Joke for ppl who have had too many birthdays:
    Stop me if you have heard it.
    Why are young people so beautiful and pretty and lovely to look at?
    So that old people will talk to them whilst waiting for them to grow the F*** up.
    Okay so that wasn't very nice. Anyone who wants to whip me for my indiscretions please form two lines, one at my front and one at my back.
  22. DesDownunder
    So we had a storm. First, the wind blew out the pilot light on the water heater.
    Then the wind blew the side fence over at an angle of 30 degrees leaning into the street; its jagged edges just waiting to decapitate the early morning joggers. The gutter is conveniently placed nearby to catch their heads.
    I had to get the care serviced. I get it serviced every year whether it needs it or not. This year it only cost $210. I think the mechanic was pleased that I warned him to put a plastic sheet on the car seat to protect his overalls.
    The side wing of my glasses fell off, but the wasn't caused by the storm.
    The good news is that the glasses will be fixed under warranty.
    The fence repairer wants $ 40 a metre to fix it. (10 x 40 = $400).
    Where am I am going to find $400?
    Mature age men don't usually make that much money in a month, no matter what talents they may have.
    So I find the local Tool hire shop and guess what? They have a post hole digger for $80 a day.
    I'll need 9 posts and 3 bags of cement. Oh goody I can do it myself and save $200.
    The supermarket has stopped making fresh donuts. What will we have for breakfast now?
    I'm exhausted just thinking about it all...I'm going to have a rest.
    At least the wind has stopped.

  23. DesDownunder

    Serving the Enemy

    By DesDownunder,

    So we have a complaint of too little blogging. I agree we need more blogging.
    I think also, we succumb to the depressing times in which we live and no one feels like writing when they are feeling down.
    On the other hand, what better time to pen a light-hearted look at the misery that surrounds us?
    Like General Custer we are circled by promises of our doom and the arrows of outrageous misfortune to be living in these most irrational new dark ages. If we circle the wagons against the enemy we will never know what we might achieve if we invite them into our midst for coffee and donuts, instead of shooting at them.
    I've actually wondered if you could use a bevy of donuts as some kind of edible condom. Jelly or jam filling would probably be needed to keep them slippery, at least till cream was made available.
    The problem is, after you have eaten the donuts and drank the coffee, what else can you do to cement relations with those who wish to murder you and your loved ones. Hoping that they won't murder your entire family because you gave them a fried cake and a cup of coffee, might possibly be wishful thinking.
    "Donuts," chants the enemy, "Donuts, donuts, now."
    The trouble is we have little flour and coffee left.
    Poised on the mound of hopelessness,
    We look across the plain,
    Seeking in vain,
    The sign of cavalry charging,
    To our rescue,
    With more supplies,
    But they never came,
    So we mix up the last of the flour
    And make the donuts,
    Our enemies require.
    "Make with the donuts,"
    Our enemies yell,
    It seems like they have seen,
    The wisdom of safe eating,
    The donuts we supply,
    And we carefully slide them onto,
    Their upright brave young men,
    Who then consume them,
    With our help.
    For who are we,
    To complain or disagree,
    If coffee and donuts,
    Can save the day,
    Let us feast all night,
    If it will put things right,
    For in the morning,
    The troops will arrive
    And they will have more
    Coffee and flour,
    But again they scream, "Donuts, donuts."
    Alas, our flour is all gone.
    A meeting has been called
    Between their leader and ours,
    Who tries to explain,
    That more flour is on the way.
    "We don't care about that,"
    Says their chief,
    "You slide those ring-shaped cakes onto us and then help eat them, slurping over us, creating great excitement. We just want to know, when are you going to do our nuts?"
    Like all disputes, usually someone has misconstrued what the other side wants, and sometimes it is what we both want.

  24. DesDownunder
    I hate to say I told you so, but I didn't did I?
    I never actually said it out loud. So I will say it now.
    The current practise of looking for someone to blame
    instead of seeking to solve problems is going to cause
    the downfall of our society.
    There I said it.
    What brought this on you may well ask, and I will tell you
    because I want you to know, and I am sure you want to know, too, now.
    I have suffered under numerous bureaucrats, managers and
    other legal obsessed individuals in positions of power in the
    workplace to see that they all, were totally unaware of the principle
    of trust in others, mostly because they had never considered
    anything other than their own failings of which their greed and ambition
    were high priorities.
    Assumption of the worst in mankind begets exactly that and more.
    Treat people like idiots and you will encourage idiocy.
    Treat people like automatons and you will get robots.
    Treat people like loving caring, humane individuals and
    you just might support someone who makes life worthwhile.
    At the moment I am reeling under the influence of computer
    stupidity. The Vista operating system engineers have taken the easy way out of
    the security issue by forcing their concepts of doing useful work.
    Like the Nazi, legal, bureaucrats referred to above, the computer software
    designers have no idea of the requirements of human endeavour
    and creativity.
    Bounded by their own mediocrity and "intelligent backsides", we find ourselves
    having to cope with inadequate solutions to very real problems.
    When will these people realise that human beings need freedom as individuals
    to create, work and even simply have fun?
    So what can we do?
    I wish I knew. In fact I have a pretty good idea of what we can do, but apart from that,
    we can all help by letting them know that we are like Peter Finch in the movie
    "Network," when he said:
    "I am as a mad as Hell and I'm just not going to take it anymore."
    Go on, go over to the window and yell it to whomever is listening.
    Better still go out the front door, into the street and shout it as loudly as you can.
    It will make you feel better.
    Then send out an invitation to Microsoft and Apple and anyone else you know of their ilk
    to join us in a "Love-in."
    These people need Love. Lots of it too, I would guess at a pinch.
    These people have become dickheads, because they have forgotten how to
    masturbate and so play with their braincell instead, probably because it is bigger.
    We need to organise a mass demonstration of how trust can make a difference.
    Put all these computer nerds in one big room without any clothes and see if they
    can come up with any solutions...
    We should show them the greatest achievements of the human race have come
    from individuals who have been encouraged by both adversity and inspiration, but never by
    deprivation of their ability to be creative.
    Computers are great tools with a promise of extending human abilities but not in the form that Vista takes.
    I did tell you I don't like Vista didn't I?

  25. DesDownunder

    I'm Hot

    By DesDownunder,

    I'm Hot, but you all knew that didn't you?
    We are sweltering in a heatwave here in Adelaide South Australia with 3 days (or is it 4) over 44C (111F).
    We have had over 30 people suffer sudden deaths from the heat with more expected.
    The politicians are to blame for the heat according to a section of the local community.
    I don't think any of our politicians could get up enough energy to expel the
    quantity of hot air that would be needed to raise the temperature to where it is at the moment.
    Our pollies are just too lazy and incompetent to make things this hot deliberately,
    that would take vision and they haven't shown any signs of that in years.
    I am very hot, dudes, and I need to go have another cold shower. But then that is not a surprise
    either, I have often been told to go take a cold shower, even in the middle of winter.
    Oh and that is another thing, we are running out of water...and electricity.
    They are doing rolling outages for the electricity and of course, according to the whingers,
    that is the politician's fault too. As I said earlier, the politicians don't have much energy.
    You will be pleased to know that the gas is working so I can cook the BF a nice hot meal when he gets home from work.
    I'm hot. I said that didn't I? The air conditioner has broken down, blown up, reached the end of it serviceable life.
    Damn thing only lasted 30 years. They don't make them like they used to.
    At least the fridge is working, (when the electricity is supplied.) And I have all you real cool dudes to chat with on the forums.
    I got to go have that cold shower. Hope their is enough water...
    Anyone for hot times?

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